Its weird, really. I have this unstoppable desire to pursue life and be happy but there is some invisible force that keeps dragging me down here. I am trying so hard to climb up and get better with my life but its easier said than done. It is this unending stairs that gives me an illusion of ascending but in reality, its like I’m wandering around a Penrose stair: circling around this black hole of unending anxiety and despair but never getting anywhere. It is this irony of life that is so odd that it all boils down to the waiting game, the act of surrendering to social norms and paranoia that you yourself becomes the thing you despise the most: a phoney. You create an illusion of happiness based on people’s standards and wants and you believe it so much that you become blinded by the truth. The truth that you are not being forced into a prison but rather, you are incarcenating yourself into a bottomless loophole of unending greed. Prison of the mind. And what is worse than being a prisoner of your own disillusionment? Infecting others with it. A group of imprisoned minds yelling to be let out but they have in fact the key to the cell. It is self-deception actually with no real motive or reason behind it. We feel oppressed but we ourselves are the oppressors and we take advantage of that self-pity. We agonized with our fake pains to give ourselves reasons to be angry, to be mad. A rage that is directed to nobody but ourselves. So we self-destruct. We try to correct the morals we intendedly destroyed and get depressed when we fail. Isn’t this an example of a mental suicide? The purging of the mind.
It’s weird, really.
Wait. Why did you open this post? Are you curious about what Im about to say? Sure you do, with that kind of title, its hard to resist not clicking it. Everyone living in this world aims only one thing and one thing only. Happiness. The peak of our existence is where we achieve contentment and happiness in everything around us. Unfortunately, not everyone is given the opportunity to be happy before they die. Depression, anxiety, problems, and whatnot, its hard to keep a positive attitude with a lot of negativity going on. But the truth is we strive so hard to be happy, we over complicate things. We look for things we dont have and we work so hard to get them thinking that it will make us feel fulfilled and satisfied. Dont get me wrong. Sure its nice to have goals and dream but honestly, why wait for these things before you feel cheerful? Does it mean that you should be depressed and suicidal while trying to obtain these goals? Because come to think of it, happiness is just a state of mind. And emotion is just our reaction to a given situation. Meaning, happiness depends on us 100 percent. We don’t need things to feel happy, we just need proper attitude.
I know, I know, it sounds cliche, but that is the truth. If a friend says bad things about you, its only appropriate to get mad. We react to the scenario. But our reaction could be positive like I don’t care, I don’t like him/her as a friend anyway. It’s his/her lost. See? Its the silver linings of things that we should appreciate. We must always tend to go towards positivity.
Who am I kidding. It is easier said than done, I admit. But in my state of mind right now, all I can do is try to motivate myself in order to calm the wave of depression that is hitting me. Im writing this post specifically for me. I am convincing myself and this is an act of desperation for my part. Im wallowing in my own shit here. I am running out of options.
Happiness. Is it the absence of sadness? Or is it more of the satisfaction of overcoming it? Believe me, I am stuck at the bottom for too long. Is it too much to ask for someone to help me. Its pretty dark down here you know.
I was once in this state of confusion. My life was petty and pretty aimless. My goals were non-existent and frankly, there was no reason for me to exist except populate the earth. I was an excess of life. I was unwanted. Which was fine at that time because nobody really cared if I die or not. I was this invisible persona that people saw through as nothing more than a piece of shit. And I was perfectly okay with it.
My mind was swimming in a foggy terrain, lagging behind the ever progressing world. At some point of my life, I kinda gave up and i just sat down and just let things go. They were beyond my control and I was getting beaten up pretty bad by life. I said fuck it and watch the whole thing crumble down to ruins. It is easier to watch an unstable tower fall than pretend that you can still make it stand tall. It was beyond repair.
Believe me, I tried everything to recover. Whether you like it or not, time will pass you by and there is nothing you can do. The efforts I did to search for meaning, for purpose. It was frustrating and damning, and the ground I was standing on at that time was a concrete asphalt of depression and I was stucked at it for a very long time. I was literally just waiting to mentally shutdown and jump off the building. There is no greater enemy than yourself and you can’t really annihilate what you can’t understand. Long story short, my life was drowning on a big pile of rotting feces. It was something I don’t ever want to feel again. Some hell, huh?
My saving grace you might ask? Nothing. I saved myself. I figured my life was already fucked so hard, there was no way I can fuck it up even more. No way to go but up right? The little efforts I made were unimpactful but its better than nothing. I started writing. Things that are running around my mind, my purgatory in earth. All the monstrosity and hatred I feel, I try to put into words. The results are the posts you can read in my blog. I am forging my writing skills to further materialize my darkness but hey, its a start. My madness is unfathomable and I bet the image of me that is forming in your head right now somewhat resembles a disfigured monster outcast from society. That’s okay, because that is the part of me I wanted to share. That is how I exorcise my inner demons or else I will self-destruct. It’s an unforgiving world or rather, an unforgiving society.
Indulge me, tell me your thoughts. Come and join me for awhile, step into my Madness.
1. Compare your looks with the most attractive friend you have and complain to the universe why you are so ugly.
2. Wait, you don’t have any friends so just find anyone you find attractive and realize that you are the ugliest thing that God created. Blame your parents, your grandparents, and your roots for inheriting an ugly genes.
3. Reject every invitation that enables you to interact socially with anyone. I REPEAT, EVERY INVITATION. Then go to your bedroom and ask yourself why the hell you dont want to go. Cry for a solid 30 minutes and then watch a youtube video.
4. Read a lot of books and act as nerdy as hell. Show your classmates whos boss on algebra and trigonometry. Solve complicated equations and show off your mathematic skills. Repeat till you get the attention of the bullies and they tear your face off. Try to kiss one of them while they’re beating you up to spice things up more.
5. Play video games all day and do nothing else. Then complain why you dont have social life. Then sleep. Repeat.
6. Read this list and realize that that author of this post is just the same as you. Like this post, then go on living with your pathetic life.