We have different opinions when it comes to feelings. I mean, sure we like to feel excited and happy and jolly all the time but the truth is, that is not always the case. We live in a world of contradiction where the positive cannot exist without the negative and vice versa so it all comes down to which emotion dominates within you throughout the day. Its the constant tug of war that people face from time to time to determine their state of mind. Bottomline, feelings or emotions are just a roll of a dice.
You may argue with me and say that the things we are feeling are caused by different circumstances and situations. That its not probability but rather a reaction. You are right. We just simply react to the situations we’re in and we decide how we react at a given moment by choosing what emotions we will entertain. But remember, we can’t choose our situation. We think that we have power over destiny but in reality, we are helpless. We end up where fate want us to be. And thats what makes our emotions random.
There is no denying, feelings are essential to our being. I mean what seperates us humans from animals is our empathy (aside from common sense, of course). We feel our conscience talking to us and in order to quiet down that inner voice, we visit the realm of morality. What are our morals? What is the very core of our humanity that defines our very existence? It varies from people to people and it is the most basic building block of our character. What may seem morally right to me may seem sinful and tragic to some. And the fine line that binds us together as one functional society despite our different opinions and perceptions are laws. Laws that neither dictates what is right nor what is wrong but rather enumerates the necessary behaviors the citizens must comply with in order to avoid chaos and live a civil life.
But enough of that. What is it really like to lose feelings? What if I never get hurt? Will it satisfy me? But I wouldn’t feel pleasure too, I bet. Heck, I wouldnt even try to move in my entire existence. I would just froze and wait for myself to die from hunger or thirst. It wont matter to me, because Im deprived of feelings. And the thought of that terrified me so much that Im thankful to the heavens I feel sadness. Its what drives me. Its what motivates me. To be happy. Even if feelings to the extreme end of a spectrum can drive a man insane. Better insane than lifeless.
Oh well Im feeling sleepy now. Imagine if I dont feel tired and sleepy. I can write a million blog everyday and I wouldnt even blink. Huh. I guess grass is always greener on the other side.
Its weird, really. I have this unstoppable desire to pursue life and be happy but there is some invisible force that keeps dragging me down here. I am trying so hard to climb up and get better with my life but its easier said than done. It is this unending stairs that gives me an illusion of ascending but in reality, its like I’m wandering around a Penrose stair: circling around this black hole of unending anxiety and despair but never getting anywhere. It is this irony of life that is so odd that it all boils down to the waiting game, the act of surrendering to social norms and paranoia that you yourself becomes the thing you despise the most: a phoney. You create an illusion of happiness based on people’s standards and wants and you believe it so much that you become blinded by the truth. The truth that you are not being forced into a prison but rather, you are incarcenating yourself into a bottomless loophole of unending greed. Prison of the mind. And what is worse than being a prisoner of your own disillusionment? Infecting others with it. A group of imprisoned minds yelling to be let out but they have in fact the key to the cell. It is self-deception actually with no real motive or reason behind it. We feel oppressed but we ourselves are the oppressors and we take advantage of that self-pity. We agonized with our fake pains to give ourselves reasons to be angry, to be mad. A rage that is directed to nobody but ourselves. So we self-destruct. We try to correct the morals we intendedly destroyed and get depressed when we fail. Isn’t this an example of a mental suicide? The purging of the mind.
It’s weird, really.
I was once in this state of confusion. My life was petty and pretty aimless. My goals were non-existent and frankly, there was no reason for me to exist except populate the earth. I was an excess of life. I was unwanted. Which was fine at that time because nobody really cared if I die or not. I was this invisible persona that people saw through as nothing more than a piece of shit. And I was perfectly okay with it.
My mind was swimming in a foggy terrain, lagging behind the ever progressing world. At some point of my life, I kinda gave up and i just sat down and just let things go. They were beyond my control and I was getting beaten up pretty bad by life. I said fuck it and watch the whole thing crumble down to ruins. It is easier to watch an unstable tower fall than pretend that you can still make it stand tall. It was beyond repair.
Believe me, I tried everything to recover. Whether you like it or not, time will pass you by and there is nothing you can do. The efforts I did to search for meaning, for purpose. It was frustrating and damning, and the ground I was standing on at that time was a concrete asphalt of depression and I was stucked at it for a very long time. I was literally just waiting to mentally shutdown and jump off the building. There is no greater enemy than yourself and you can’t really annihilate what you can’t understand. Long story short, my life was drowning on a big pile of rotting feces. It was something I don’t ever want to feel again. Some hell, huh?
My saving grace you might ask? Nothing. I saved myself. I figured my life was already fucked so hard, there was no way I can fuck it up even more. No way to go but up right? The little efforts I made were unimpactful but its better than nothing. I started writing. Things that are running around my mind, my purgatory in earth. All the monstrosity and hatred I feel, I try to put into words. The results are the posts you can read in my blog. I am forging my writing skills to further materialize my darkness but hey, its a start. My madness is unfathomable and I bet the image of me that is forming in your head right now somewhat resembles a disfigured monster outcast from society. That’s okay, because that is the part of me I wanted to share. That is how I exorcise my inner demons or else I will self-destruct. It’s an unforgiving world or rather, an unforgiving society.
Indulge me, tell me your thoughts. Come and join me for awhile, step into my Madness.
Madness is a funny thing. You don’t know it, but you’re slowly falling into its grasp, like a moth bewildered by alamp’s light. There’s beauty in its concept: freedom, truth, uniqueness, individuality. You can be what you really are if you succumb to madness, if you let yourself drown to its tenacity. But be warned, it is a point of no return. Once you enter its forest, you are forever trapped in it, wandering aimlessly into oblivion. The things you’ll see there are unspeakable and deranged but you’ll get the hang of it. Its just a matter of time before you create your own Eden full of your own mutilated creatures.
Oh, dont be afraid child. Fear is just the beginning. Fear is the realization that there is no escape in this world and control is beyond your power. It is the seed that will blossom to the nightmares you had kept deep inside you for a very long time and knowing that its just a matter of time before its roots spread all over your corrupted body. Let it change you. Let it destroy you.
Chaos. Ah, such a disastrous word. But why? Its freedom, right? Its the state of being lawless and immune to rules. Then why are you afraid of it? Isnt it ironic that the freedom that we all so want to have is just the thing we never wanted to experience in our life? The answer is simple. We are selfish. We only want things that will benefit us personally. We only want it applied to us, because we think our judgment is better than anyone else. We want madness, chaos, and freedom only to ourselves.
So the next time you feel that you are on the brink, that any moment you’ll fall into the rabbit hole, remember, its only as deep as you want it to be. Don’t stray too long, Alice.
Come on. You know what I mean. The moment you read the title, you knew what Im about to discuss here. The “you” you show in public, acting cool and classy, obeying every law and acts smart and wants to get along with everyone. Its not you. Thats just your cover. The real you is inside that shell, restrained by society. You are chained to morals, to laws, to proper behaviours. You act to certain guidelines so you wont be the weird guy that everyone hates. You are a phony.
Remember that guy from highschool you saw on the streets yesterday and said hi? You wanted to punch his face and beat the shit out of him for treating you so bad in high school. You wanted to destroy his face and replace it with a dog’s face. But you cant.
Remember the lady you had given your sit to in the bus last week because its fully loaded and you had to act like a gentleman? You wanted to ignore her and let her be but social conscience grabs you so hard in the balls. It grips you so tight, its hard to ignore.
Remember the kid that kept kicking you in the park and his parents didnt scold him because thats just what kids do? You wanted to lift the kid and throw him far away outside the planet and be destroyed by an alien space ship then fire a bazooka to the parents. But you just smiled and said its okay.
Remember the time when a beggar pleaded for you to give him money but its your last money and you wont be able to go home if you give it to him? You give it to him anyway because you were with your coworkers and didnt want to look cheap. But deep inside, you wanted to say fuck off to the beggar and punch your coworker in the face because they keep backstabbing and gossiping about you.
You know its true. All these things are what we really are.
But it doesnt make you evil. In fact, evil is just an opinion. What is evil for me might not be evil for you. If you ask a satanist if they think what they are doing is wrong, they will say no because that is their standard. That is their definition of good! The reason why we say they’re bad is they have different opinion from us. Our standard is the word of God and theirs are… Well Satan.
If you are looking for a conclusion, I am offering none. We need to wear our “society suit” to fit in but I guess what Im trying to say is, at least try to be “evil” from time to time to stay in line with your individuality. Dont get stuck on one standard. There’s plenty to choose from.
Are you afraid of the society? Are you afraid of its prejudices and biases? You are its victim, its prey, yet you succumb to his mutterings and obvious deceits. It offers you madness which you swallow whole-heartedly and you go through your day as if there is nothing wrong. You try to look at other people’s faces, but you fail to distinguish the truth. They are wearing masks to hide their hideousness and so they laugh at you for failing to wear one. But you know better. You are this deformed, ugly entity but thats okay. Its exhausting to be fake and to be normal, to be living on everybody’s approval except your own.
Its time to let go of the mask.
Show the world how mutilated and deranged you really are.