I’m always nauseated by my thoughts. Its always murmuring things and ideas in my head that sometimes I wish they would all go away. Its not that I hate thinking, but during the course of the night, it is very hard to fall asleep when your brain repeatedly tries to suffocate you with random bullshits. Its a mundane tasks, trying to tame your brain.
I dont think Im a smart man. Hell, Im average at best. But I like expressing my feelings here because why not? I dont even know if someone is sane enough to read some of my blogs and even if they do, I dont think they care enough to judge me. In this place, I have a mask. I can say whatever the hell I like and no one will bat an eye. Not even you.
I dont hate hipocrisy. I mean I dislike the idea but overall, I think its an essential human trait. If you want to function properly in this society, you must be a hypocrite. You have to talk to people you dislike, obey the laws you dont agree with, get a job you really hate and act sane all the time. When I say sane, I mean the standard society expects from you because thats how the world works. Keeping up with expectations.
I once asked myself, what is happiness? Is it the absence of sadness? Then I realized, no. Sadness is an important ingredient to attain happiness. I mean if you are happy, you can’t become happier. There is no degree of happiness. If you are happy, then thats the happiest emotion you’ll ever attain. But if you are sad, you have a goal. You have to overcome sadness because thats how happiness works. The contrast between sadness and happiness is what makes as euphoric. The sadder we are, the higher our euphoria.
Im sorry, I know it doesnt make a lot of sense. I apologize on behalf of my brain. He is a very ill-mannered guy. Don’t bother with his nonsense.
Come on. You know what I mean. The moment you read the title, you knew what Im about to discuss here. The “you” you show in public, acting cool and classy, obeying every law and acts smart and wants to get along with everyone. Its not you. Thats just your cover. The real you is inside that shell, restrained by society. You are chained to morals, to laws, to proper behaviours. You act to certain guidelines so you wont be the weird guy that everyone hates. You are a phony.
Remember that guy from highschool you saw on the streets yesterday and said hi? You wanted to punch his face and beat the shit out of him for treating you so bad in high school. You wanted to destroy his face and replace it with a dog’s face. But you cant.
Remember the lady you had given your sit to in the bus last week because its fully loaded and you had to act like a gentleman? You wanted to ignore her and let her be but social conscience grabs you so hard in the balls. It grips you so tight, its hard to ignore.
Remember the kid that kept kicking you in the park and his parents didnt scold him because thats just what kids do? You wanted to lift the kid and throw him far away outside the planet and be destroyed by an alien space ship then fire a bazooka to the parents. But you just smiled and said its okay.
Remember the time when a beggar pleaded for you to give him money but its your last money and you wont be able to go home if you give it to him? You give it to him anyway because you were with your coworkers and didnt want to look cheap. But deep inside, you wanted to say fuck off to the beggar and punch your coworker in the face because they keep backstabbing and gossiping about you.
You know its true. All these things are what we really are.
But it doesnt make you evil. In fact, evil is just an opinion. What is evil for me might not be evil for you. If you ask a satanist if they think what they are doing is wrong, they will say no because that is their standard. That is their definition of good! The reason why we say they’re bad is they have different opinion from us. Our standard is the word of God and theirs are… Well Satan.
If you are looking for a conclusion, I am offering none. We need to wear our “society suit” to fit in but I guess what Im trying to say is, at least try to be “evil” from time to time to stay in line with your individuality. Dont get stuck on one standard. There’s plenty to choose from.
1. Compare your looks with the most attractive friend you have and complain to the universe why you are so ugly.
2. Wait, you don’t have any friends so just find anyone you find attractive and realize that you are the ugliest thing that God created. Blame your parents, your grandparents, and your roots for inheriting an ugly genes.
3. Reject every invitation that enables you to interact socially with anyone. I REPEAT, EVERY INVITATION. Then go to your bedroom and ask yourself why the hell you dont want to go. Cry for a solid 30 minutes and then watch a youtube video.
4. Read a lot of books and act as nerdy as hell. Show your classmates whos boss on algebra and trigonometry. Solve complicated equations and show off your mathematic skills. Repeat till you get the attention of the bullies and they tear your face off. Try to kiss one of them while they’re beating you up to spice things up more.
5. Play video games all day and do nothing else. Then complain why you dont have social life. Then sleep. Repeat.
6. Read this list and realize that that author of this post is just the same as you. Like this post, then go on living with your pathetic life.
Are you afraid of the society? Are you afraid of its prejudices and biases? You are its victim, its prey, yet you succumb to his mutterings and obvious deceits. It offers you madness which you swallow whole-heartedly and you go through your day as if there is nothing wrong. You try to look at other people’s faces, but you fail to distinguish the truth. They are wearing masks to hide their hideousness and so they laugh at you for failing to wear one. But you know better. You are this deformed, ugly entity but thats okay. Its exhausting to be fake and to be normal, to be living on everybody’s approval except your own.
Its time to let go of the mask.
Show the world how mutilated and deranged you really are.