And you see yourself tumbling down from your own thoughts, decaying slowly your state of mind as you descend to lunacy. You deprive yourself of social necessities and devote all your precious time devising a masterplan that enables you to get away with solitude. It is that insatiable thirst for isolation that drives you insane yet you try to piece together the reality you created. It is a ticking time bomb, an impeccable plan for self-destruction and desolation. It is fun. It is you.
And through the blinding darkness you search for meaning and purpose. As foolish as your desire to be lonely is your desire to change the world or at least create a dent. Two conflicting ideas fighting over your body like tug-of-war, only you are splitting in half and gradually returning to the limbo you tried to get out from.
The menacing nightmares begins to haunt you, laughing at your terrified murmurs. It is a deafening feeling created solely by you and you alone. Dissociate yourself from this world and the world dissociates from you.
And the mind flickers its last light before finally giving in to the pitch black night.
I have an “okay” relationship with God. I am not really fond of Him but I sort of believe that He exists. I have doubts, I admit, but I come to terms with it. I reasoned, if God is the almighty, all knowing, all powerful being, then someone as limited as a human being (like myself) shouldn’t be able to comprehend His existence. Why would I disprove the existence of an omnipotent being based on the five senses I have? Our evolutionary senses are unreliable when it comes to the spiritual aspect because we have the senses what we have only because we had to adapt to our nature.
Well, the bible on the other hand, for me, is either too metaphorical or unbelievably true. If you compare the scientific origin of the universe and lay it side by side with the bible’s version, the only way to make sense of the bible is to analyze it in a metaphorical way which is quite confusing. How am I supposed to know if something written in the bible is to be taken literally or not? Do I make my own interpretations?
I don’t really think that God would appreciate the singing and the dancing and the worshipping thing, if He exists. Let me explain. Why would someone who created the universe want an animal who lives on earth that is situated in the solar system which is part of a galaxy named milky way to sing praises of Him? Do you think He’ll really care? Seriously? What do we think He is, an egomaniac God who thinks so highly of Himself and condemn everyone who doesn’t worship Him? Logically speaking, that is so ridiculous. Very ridiculous.
So, yeah, God is a very illogical concept to the human mind but our failure to prove His existence ironically proves that He exist because if we are able to comprehend Him, then His godlike features is nullified. The qualification of a God for me is something that cannot be quantified, something that can’t be analyzed and something that can’t be proven with the human intellect.
No harm in having faith, right?
We have different opinions when it comes to feelings. I mean, sure we like to feel excited and happy and jolly all the time but the truth is, that is not always the case. We live in a world of contradiction where the positive cannot exist without the negative and vice versa so it all comes down to which emotion dominates within you throughout the day. Its the constant tug of war that people face from time to time to determine their state of mind. Bottomline, feelings or emotions are just a roll of a dice.
You may argue with me and say that the things we are feeling are caused by different circumstances and situations. That its not probability but rather a reaction. You are right. We just simply react to the situations we’re in and we decide how we react at a given moment by choosing what emotions we will entertain. But remember, we can’t choose our situation. We think that we have power over destiny but in reality, we are helpless. We end up where fate want us to be. And thats what makes our emotions random.
There is no denying, feelings are essential to our being. I mean what seperates us humans from animals is our empathy (aside from common sense, of course). We feel our conscience talking to us and in order to quiet down that inner voice, we visit the realm of morality. What are our morals? What is the very core of our humanity that defines our very existence? It varies from people to people and it is the most basic building block of our character. What may seem morally right to me may seem sinful and tragic to some. And the fine line that binds us together as one functional society despite our different opinions and perceptions are laws. Laws that neither dictates what is right nor what is wrong but rather enumerates the necessary behaviors the citizens must comply with in order to avoid chaos and live a civil life.
But enough of that. What is it really like to lose feelings? What if I never get hurt? Will it satisfy me? But I wouldn’t feel pleasure too, I bet. Heck, I wouldnt even try to move in my entire existence. I would just froze and wait for myself to die from hunger or thirst. It wont matter to me, because Im deprived of feelings. And the thought of that terrified me so much that Im thankful to the heavens I feel sadness. Its what drives me. Its what motivates me. To be happy. Even if feelings to the extreme end of a spectrum can drive a man insane. Better insane than lifeless.
Oh well Im feeling sleepy now. Imagine if I dont feel tired and sleepy. I can write a million blog everyday and I wouldnt even blink. Huh. I guess grass is always greener on the other side.
I’m always nauseated by my thoughts. Its always murmuring things and ideas in my head that sometimes I wish they would all go away. Its not that I hate thinking, but during the course of the night, it is very hard to fall asleep when your brain repeatedly tries to suffocate you with random bullshits. Its a mundane tasks, trying to tame your brain.
I dont think Im a smart man. Hell, Im average at best. But I like expressing my feelings here because why not? I dont even know if someone is sane enough to read some of my blogs and even if they do, I dont think they care enough to judge me. In this place, I have a mask. I can say whatever the hell I like and no one will bat an eye. Not even you.
I dont hate hipocrisy. I mean I dislike the idea but overall, I think its an essential human trait. If you want to function properly in this society, you must be a hypocrite. You have to talk to people you dislike, obey the laws you dont agree with, get a job you really hate and act sane all the time. When I say sane, I mean the standard society expects from you because thats how the world works. Keeping up with expectations.
I once asked myself, what is happiness? Is it the absence of sadness? Then I realized, no. Sadness is an important ingredient to attain happiness. I mean if you are happy, you can’t become happier. There is no degree of happiness. If you are happy, then thats the happiest emotion you’ll ever attain. But if you are sad, you have a goal. You have to overcome sadness because thats how happiness works. The contrast between sadness and happiness is what makes as euphoric. The sadder we are, the higher our euphoria.
Im sorry, I know it doesnt make a lot of sense. I apologize on behalf of my brain. He is a very ill-mannered guy. Don’t bother with his nonsense.
What the hell am I writing? I am supposed to be sleeping but I’m here, wasting my time in front of a computer screen and whining about how insomniac I am. Well, I am not really insomniac. I just thought it sounds cool when I say that I’m insomniac and you all reading this will think that I am this disturbed little teenager who is going through the stage where he hates everything.
The truth is, I don’t hate everything. I hate the fact that I don’t know what I’m supposed to be hating. I have this negative emotion stacked up inside of me and I don’t know to what or whom I should direct it to. The feeling I’m having, I can’t describe because it’s so immature and child-like that I feel almost embarrassed that I’m talking about it here. Its like trying to figure out the answer of the universe and getting depressed because you can’t get a definitive answer.
The truth is, I’m just prolonging what I’m writing as an excuse to write something. I don’t really have a lot to say really, I just want to ramble on words that don’t mean and hopes I deliver some kind of awe inspiring message to anyone in the right mind who will read this shit. If by any chance, you read up to this point of this blog post, you are so like me. You don’t have anything better to do so you make up some weird hobby and try to write like the goddamn Shakespeare and act smart but weird in the hopes that people will find you mysterious. You know its true. I don’t blame you. The only people who write blogs are either bored to death or just plain normal people. Guess which kind of people I am?
Anyway, I am gonna pack up these shit and try to conclude this the best way I know how. Like this.
It is so depressing when you think about meaning of life and everything that revolves around you. The more you search for reasons and purpose, the more you see the irrationality of things. Of course there is no purpose. I know that. But I was hoping I’m wrong just so I can make up false hope that someday I will do the things I am supposed to do. It is so sad just thinking about how no one cares what you do in your life because you don’t matter. Even when I’m writing this, all that is running in my head is even though someone might read this and waste their time reading about some random loser in the internet babbling about his non-sense, they’ll forget about this after a few days. No one will remember me not because they don’t give a shit about me. They’ll forget me because that’s what people do. They forget.
And that’s just sad. It’s so sad to know that I am sad and there’s nothing I can do about it but just go through it. I wish there’s some button where I can just press it anytime I feel sad and then I’ll go to sleep and wake up only if I’m feeling happy. But it makes me sad that there’s no such button. It makes me depress that I think of impossible solutions to my problem because there is no possible solutions available to remedy it.
One thing that makes me sad is when I see a girl I really like in the move or in t.v. or in youtube and I know I won’t ever have a chance to meet her in person and even if I did, there is absolutely no chance she’ll take notice of me. I hate it that there’s nothing within my power that I can do to change that fact. I am stuck on the other side of the screen infatuating. And that makes me sad. When you look at the screen and you see a girl you like and get to know her and ask her out on a date and marry her but you know that life prevents you from doing that. Because I don’t matter enough to be given a chance to talk to that girl. And it depresses me to no end just by thinking about it.
You know what else is sad. The fact that no one will read this. And this will be just another crappy blog post that no one will ever get to read. Because no one really gives a shit about other people’s problem. Especially if they’re just some kind of creepy paranoia. And it makes me so fucking sad.
I was once in this state of confusion. My life was petty and pretty aimless. My goals were non-existent and frankly, there was no reason for me to exist except populate the earth. I was an excess of life. I was unwanted. Which was fine at that time because nobody really cared if I die or not. I was this invisible persona that people saw through as nothing more than a piece of shit. And I was perfectly okay with it.
My mind was swimming in a foggy terrain, lagging behind the ever progressing world. At some point of my life, I kinda gave up and i just sat down and just let things go. They were beyond my control and I was getting beaten up pretty bad by life. I said fuck it and watch the whole thing crumble down to ruins. It is easier to watch an unstable tower fall than pretend that you can still make it stand tall. It was beyond repair.
Believe me, I tried everything to recover. Whether you like it or not, time will pass you by and there is nothing you can do. The efforts I did to search for meaning, for purpose. It was frustrating and damning, and the ground I was standing on at that time was a concrete asphalt of depression and I was stucked at it for a very long time. I was literally just waiting to mentally shutdown and jump off the building. There is no greater enemy than yourself and you can’t really annihilate what you can’t understand. Long story short, my life was drowning on a big pile of rotting feces. It was something I don’t ever want to feel again. Some hell, huh?
My saving grace you might ask? Nothing. I saved myself. I figured my life was already fucked so hard, there was no way I can fuck it up even more. No way to go but up right? The little efforts I made were unimpactful but its better than nothing. I started writing. Things that are running around my mind, my purgatory in earth. All the monstrosity and hatred I feel, I try to put into words. The results are the posts you can read in my blog. I am forging my writing skills to further materialize my darkness but hey, its a start. My madness is unfathomable and I bet the image of me that is forming in your head right now somewhat resembles a disfigured monster outcast from society. That’s okay, because that is the part of me I wanted to share. That is how I exorcise my inner demons or else I will self-destruct. It’s an unforgiving world or rather, an unforgiving society.
Indulge me, tell me your thoughts. Come and join me for awhile, step into my Madness.
Madness is a funny thing. You don’t know it, but you’re slowly falling into its grasp, like a moth bewildered by alamp’s light. There’s beauty in its concept: freedom, truth, uniqueness, individuality. You can be what you really are if you succumb to madness, if you let yourself drown to its tenacity. But be warned, it is a point of no return. Once you enter its forest, you are forever trapped in it, wandering aimlessly into oblivion. The things you’ll see there are unspeakable and deranged but you’ll get the hang of it. Its just a matter of time before you create your own Eden full of your own mutilated creatures.
Oh, dont be afraid child. Fear is just the beginning. Fear is the realization that there is no escape in this world and control is beyond your power. It is the seed that will blossom to the nightmares you had kept deep inside you for a very long time and knowing that its just a matter of time before its roots spread all over your corrupted body. Let it change you. Let it destroy you.
Chaos. Ah, such a disastrous word. But why? Its freedom, right? Its the state of being lawless and immune to rules. Then why are you afraid of it? Isnt it ironic that the freedom that we all so want to have is just the thing we never wanted to experience in our life? The answer is simple. We are selfish. We only want things that will benefit us personally. We only want it applied to us, because we think our judgment is better than anyone else. We want madness, chaos, and freedom only to ourselves.
So the next time you feel that you are on the brink, that any moment you’ll fall into the rabbit hole, remember, its only as deep as you want it to be. Don’t stray too long, Alice.
Come on. You know what I mean. The moment you read the title, you knew what Im about to discuss here. The “you” you show in public, acting cool and classy, obeying every law and acts smart and wants to get along with everyone. Its not you. Thats just your cover. The real you is inside that shell, restrained by society. You are chained to morals, to laws, to proper behaviours. You act to certain guidelines so you wont be the weird guy that everyone hates. You are a phony.
Remember that guy from highschool you saw on the streets yesterday and said hi? You wanted to punch his face and beat the shit out of him for treating you so bad in high school. You wanted to destroy his face and replace it with a dog’s face. But you cant.
Remember the lady you had given your sit to in the bus last week because its fully loaded and you had to act like a gentleman? You wanted to ignore her and let her be but social conscience grabs you so hard in the balls. It grips you so tight, its hard to ignore.
Remember the kid that kept kicking you in the park and his parents didnt scold him because thats just what kids do? You wanted to lift the kid and throw him far away outside the planet and be destroyed by an alien space ship then fire a bazooka to the parents. But you just smiled and said its okay.
Remember the time when a beggar pleaded for you to give him money but its your last money and you wont be able to go home if you give it to him? You give it to him anyway because you were with your coworkers and didnt want to look cheap. But deep inside, you wanted to say fuck off to the beggar and punch your coworker in the face because they keep backstabbing and gossiping about you.
You know its true. All these things are what we really are.
But it doesnt make you evil. In fact, evil is just an opinion. What is evil for me might not be evil for you. If you ask a satanist if they think what they are doing is wrong, they will say no because that is their standard. That is their definition of good! The reason why we say they’re bad is they have different opinion from us. Our standard is the word of God and theirs are… Well Satan.
If you are looking for a conclusion, I am offering none. We need to wear our “society suit” to fit in but I guess what Im trying to say is, at least try to be “evil” from time to time to stay in line with your individuality. Dont get stuck on one standard. There’s plenty to choose from.
1. Compare your looks with the most attractive friend you have and complain to the universe why you are so ugly.
2. Wait, you don’t have any friends so just find anyone you find attractive and realize that you are the ugliest thing that God created. Blame your parents, your grandparents, and your roots for inheriting an ugly genes.
3. Reject every invitation that enables you to interact socially with anyone. I REPEAT, EVERY INVITATION. Then go to your bedroom and ask yourself why the hell you dont want to go. Cry for a solid 30 minutes and then watch a youtube video.
4. Read a lot of books and act as nerdy as hell. Show your classmates whos boss on algebra and trigonometry. Solve complicated equations and show off your mathematic skills. Repeat till you get the attention of the bullies and they tear your face off. Try to kiss one of them while they’re beating you up to spice things up more.
5. Play video games all day and do nothing else. Then complain why you dont have social life. Then sleep. Repeat.
6. Read this list and realize that that author of this post is just the same as you. Like this post, then go on living with your pathetic life.