Tag Archives: love

Garbage

I love you

That’s why I left you

Cos you will never be happy

As long as you’re with me
I am a tragedy

A walkin catastrophy

A ticking time bomb

A death wish
I’m so happy I broke your heart

Because I know you’ll loathe me

And I’m fine with that my dear

As long as you dont see my decay
Those tears you cried for me

The curses you shouted at me

Its a melody to my ear

Cos I know you had enough
Please hate me forever

Don’t ever think of coming back

I’ll just rot here in darkness

And turn into naught

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True Love

Where are you?

Ive been looking forever, you know.

Are you hiding?

I really doubt it.

Do you know how much time is already wasted?

Or maybe you just don’t care.

You are not the one looking, so its basically not your problem.

Your job is just to exist.

And mine is to find you.

Which is kind of sad.

Because I don’t know how to find you.

Or I don’t know.

Maybe I won’t find you.

Like ever.

Because maybe you don’t exist.

I am just pretending you do.

Hoping desperately.

Because being lonely sucks.

Life is kind of sad, you know.

You’d know that, if you exist.

But even if you don’t.

I wouldn’t know.

I’ll just keep searching.

And searching.

And searching.

And nothing else would matter.

Except finding you.

In this void.

In this time.

In this emptiness.

If you really want to hear about it.

I am very sad these past few days. I don’t know why. It’s just these random episodes of melancholic bursts and impulses that puts me in a lousy shape. You see people around you and you see through them. They are all trying to get by and you just watch them with such hatred and jealousy. Its not normal to not want to be normal but sometimes its a curse to be someone who tries to act so differently just to prove how unique you are as an individual. But its irritating to confess that I am not in the place I wanted to be and I don’t even know where I want to be. Its a maddening thing trying to figure your life out.  One moment you are just tagging along the flow of the universe and the next thing you know, you are commanding your own ship. How the hell did I end up here?

The thing is, people do not really care about other people. Let us admit it. No one in the whole freaking universe cares about other people. They may look like they care, but its just a social responsibility to act curious or concerned. And that is so fucking depressing, knowing that people doesnt really seem to give a shit. They say affectionate bullshits to someone and you know and feel that they do not mean a single word. Holy mother of..

You roam around facebook and all you see is  I love you, I love this, True Love, destiny, feelings. Motherfucker. That is the phoniest thing. And it is very disappointing that I cannot relate to that. Why can’t I fucking relate to love. Oh right. Because it is so phony. I can see through people posting this shit on facebook and I want to believe that they mean it but I fucking can’t. It disgusts me. People are trying to romanticize everything to the point where it blurs the line of emotions and love. If it interests you just a little bit, its supposed to be love? motherfucking God. 

Believe me, I dont want to whine. I want to relate to everybody but I just cant seem to find a way. Everybody just wants to outsmart everybody. That is so fucking depressing down to the last bone of my freaking body.

Yeah. You just read through that post. Judge me.

The feeling of not feeling.

We have different opinions when it comes to feelings. I mean, sure we like to feel excited and happy and jolly all the time but the truth is, that is not always the case. We live in a world of contradiction where the positive cannot exist without the negative and vice versa so it all comes down to which emotion dominates within you throughout the day. Its the constant tug of war that people face from time to time to determine their state of mind. Bottomline, feelings or emotions are just a roll of a dice.

You may argue with me and say that the things we are feeling are caused by different circumstances and situations. That its not probability but rather a reaction. You are right. We just simply react to the situations we’re in and we decide how we react at a given moment by choosing what emotions we will entertain. But remember, we can’t choose our situation. We think that we have power over destiny but in reality, we are helpless. We end up where fate want us to be. And thats what makes our emotions random.

There is no denying, feelings are essential to our being. I mean what seperates us humans from animals is our empathy (aside from common sense, of course). We feel our conscience talking to us and in order to quiet down that inner voice, we visit the realm of morality. What are our morals? What is the very core of our humanity that defines our very existence? It varies from people to people and it is the most basic building block of our character. What may seem morally right to me may seem sinful and tragic to some. And the fine line that binds us together as one functional society despite our different opinions and perceptions are laws. Laws that neither dictates what is right nor what is wrong but rather enumerates the necessary behaviors the citizens must comply with in order to avoid chaos and live a civil life.

But enough of that. What is it really like to lose feelings? What if I never get hurt? Will it satisfy me? But I wouldn’t feel pleasure too, I bet. Heck, I wouldnt even try to move in my entire existence. I would just froze and wait for myself to die from hunger or thirst. It wont matter to me, because Im deprived of feelings. And the thought of that terrified me so much that Im thankful to the heavens I feel sadness. Its what drives me. Its what motivates me. To be happy. Even if feelings to the extreme end of a spectrum can drive a man insane. Better insane than lifeless.

Oh well Im feeling sleepy now. Imagine if I dont feel tired and sleepy. I can write a million blog everyday and I wouldnt even blink. Huh. I guess grass is always greener on the other side.

And the Night Layed Perfectly Still

I’m always nauseated by my thoughts. Its always murmuring things and ideas in my head that sometimes I wish they would all go away. Its not that I hate thinking, but during the course of the night, it is very hard to fall asleep when your brain repeatedly tries to suffocate you with random bullshits. Its a mundane tasks, trying to tame your brain.

I dont think Im a smart man. Hell, Im average at best. But I like expressing my feelings here because why not? I dont even know if someone is sane enough to read some of my blogs and even if they do, I dont think they care enough to judge me. In this place, I have a mask. I can say whatever the hell I like and no one will bat an eye. Not even you.

I dont hate hipocrisy. I mean I dislike the idea but overall, I think its an essential human trait. If you want to function properly in this society, you must be a hypocrite. You have to talk to people you dislike, obey the laws you dont agree with, get a job you really hate and act sane all the time. When I say sane, I mean the standard society expects from you because thats how the world works. Keeping up with expectations.

I once asked myself, what is happiness? Is it the absence of sadness? Then I realized, no. Sadness is an important ingredient to attain happiness. I mean if you are happy, you can’t become happier. There is no degree of happiness. If you are happy, then thats the happiest emotion you’ll ever attain. But if you are sad, you have a goal. You have to overcome sadness because thats how happiness works. The contrast between sadness and happiness is what makes as euphoric. The sadder we are, the higher our euphoria. 

Im sorry, I know it doesnt make a lot of sense. I apologize on behalf of my brain. He is a very ill-mannered guy. Don’t bother with his nonsense.

You said “so go” with such disdain.

X: Remember the first time we met?

Y: yeah… It was very awkward. You were very awkward!

X: I never thought you’ll come and talk to me, thats all. Besides Im very introverted.

Y: I got the hots for creepy guys you know?

X: Yeah lucky me.

Y: What? 

X: Nothing. I said you liked me the moment you saw me. Dont deny it!

Y: Yeah right. The only reason I talked to you is beacause you were wearing a John Lennon shirt.

X: For all I know, you just wanted to ask me out!

Y: On the contrary, it felt like you were about to kiss me anytime that moment. I was nervous you know! How do I know you are not a sex offender!

X: I did. You were the most beautiful girl in the park that day.

Y: Yeah right! Said the creepy stalker!

X: I am not a stalker! God! I just saw that you like John Lennon in your facebook profile. So I borrowed the tshirt!

Y: Hahaha. Gotcha! Right from the horses’ mouth.

X: Well, it worked right?

Y: yeah, you let me fall in love with you, idiot.

X: Well, you basically forced me into a relationship! Hahaha

Y: Hahaha. O my god, how do you muster the willpower to say such blatant lies!

X: Admit it! You were stalking me too!

Y: I dont stalk you as much as you stalk me. You have a room full of my pictures! You even have candles there for worshipping me.

X: hahahaha. That was a good one! How did you come up with that? You were doing it to my pictures e?

Y: yeah, I use your pictures in summoning rituals and witchcraft!

X: Meaning you use love potions to make me fall for you? 

Y: As a matter of fact I used hate potions to prevent you from falling in love with me. But your obsession with me is so great, even my hate potions are not working.

X: hahahaha.

Y: hahahahahaha

X:…..

Y:…..

X:..

Y: why did you leave me?

X: I dont know. Im stupid, I guess.

Y: I knew that.

X: Im sorry.

Y: I just cant understand why. We were happy.

X: Yes we were happy. In the beginning.

Y: Thats how a relationship works! Happy times and sad times! You think it’ll only be full of butterflies and fairies?

X: i know that. But we were falling down so fast. I didnt want to see us crash at the bottom. 

Y: No point in arguing now.

X: besides you are happy now. I can see.

Y: thankfully, i survived after you left.

X: well…

Y: Yeah. Well. I got to go now.

X: oh, sure, will I ever see you again?

Y: i dont know. Im not sure.

X: we’ll see each other again.

Y: dreams maybe?

X: I hope so.

Y: goodbye

X: goodbye to you