I love you
That’s why I left you
Cos you will never be happy
As long as you’re with me
I am a tragedy
A walkin catastrophy
A ticking time bomb
A death wish
I’m so happy I broke your heart
Because I know you’ll loathe me
And I’m fine with that my dear
As long as you dont see my decay
Those tears you cried for me
The curses you shouted at me
Its a melody to my ear
Cos I know you had enough
Please hate me forever
Don’t ever think of coming back
I’ll just rot here in darkness
And turn into naught
Where are you?
Ive been looking forever, you know.
Are you hiding?
I really doubt it.
Do you know how much time is already wasted?
Or maybe you just don’t care.
You are not the one looking, so its basically not your problem.
Your job is just to exist.
And mine is to find you.
Which is kind of sad.
Because I don’t know how to find you.
Or I don’t know.
Maybe I won’t find you.
Because maybe you don’t exist.
I am just pretending you do.
Because being lonely sucks.
Life is kind of sad, you know.
You’d know that, if you exist.
But even if you don’t.
I wouldn’t know.
I’ll just keep searching.
And nothing else would matter.
Except finding you.
In this void.
In this time.
In this emptiness.
And into the darkness I succumb
Keeping me pure and mutilated
Severed my peace with loath
My sins left unapprehended
Deeper and deeper I subside
Into the heart of unending rot
Rage-filled terror emerges
Devouring everything on its path
Death came to offer his peace
But I refuse, the fuck is this?
I would rather fade softly and quietly
Than carry the weight of my misery
Its never solemn, it seldom is
But honesty is my catharsis
Bludgering mess of a human I am
Blame me? Blame you? Blame fucking them!
Oh I know you do not understand
Who, for fucks sake, really can?
Wallowing in your shit, ain’t you?
Dont worry, none of these is true
It is so depressing when you think about meaning of life and everything that revolves around you. The more you search for reasons and purpose, the more you see the irrationality of things. Of course there is no purpose. I know that. But I was hoping I’m wrong just so I can make up false hope that someday I will do the things I am supposed to do. It is so sad just thinking about how no one cares what you do in your life because you don’t matter. Even when I’m writing this, all that is running in my head is even though someone might read this and waste their time reading about some random loser in the internet babbling about his non-sense, they’ll forget about this after a few days. No one will remember me not because they don’t give a shit about me. They’ll forget me because that’s what people do. They forget.
And that’s just sad. It’s so sad to know that I am sad and there’s nothing I can do about it but just go through it. I wish there’s some button where I can just press it anytime I feel sad and then I’ll go to sleep and wake up only if I’m feeling happy. But it makes me sad that there’s no such button. It makes me depress that I think of impossible solutions to my problem because there is no possible solutions available to remedy it.
One thing that makes me sad is when I see a girl I really like in the move or in t.v. or in youtube and I know I won’t ever have a chance to meet her in person and even if I did, there is absolutely no chance she’ll take notice of me. I hate it that there’s nothing within my power that I can do to change that fact. I am stuck on the other side of the screen infatuating. And that makes me sad. When you look at the screen and you see a girl you like and get to know her and ask her out on a date and marry her but you know that life prevents you from doing that. Because I don’t matter enough to be given a chance to talk to that girl. And it depresses me to no end just by thinking about it.
You know what else is sad. The fact that no one will read this. And this will be just another crappy blog post that no one will ever get to read. Because no one really gives a shit about other people’s problem. Especially if they’re just some kind of creepy paranoia. And it makes me so fucking sad.
The thing with loneliness is, you never know when you will be lonely. You could be talking with one of your friends and suddenly you feel a strange feeling of disconnection. Like everything doesn’t make any sense and you jumble your words till you find an excuse to leave your friend and go home and wallow in sadness. It’s a very strange phenomena. But loneliness is kind of an odd feeling. I mean, I enjoy loneliness. It gives me reason to be sad. It gives me permission to be mad at the world. It gives me comfort that I can blame everyone for what I’m feeling. I want to drown myself into self-pity and watch everyone around me feel guilty. A terrible thing, I know, but hey, whatever works right?
Sometimes, being lonely is very depressing. Its like you are carrying this heavy anchor everywhere you go and you drag it around. You can’t dispose of it because it doesn’t exist. Its just an invisible solid matter that weighs a million ton but only exists in your mind. Its a goddamn personal hell. And you wait for someone to notice your burden but guess what? Either nobody notices or nobody cares. I prefer the latter because I wouldn’t care either. I’m a selfish bastard who only cares about my own happiness. People do not care about other people. It’s a damn hipocrisy because of the holy scriptures or the bible. They require us to be kind and gentle and giving and charitable to get a fucking reward when we die but come on. Death is the end. There is no after. Let us not waste our life pretending that we are holy individuals who wants to do good to others. Of course we prioritize ourselves.
Loneliness is a nice way to say to people that you are bored talking to them. If I’m talking to somebody and we are having conversation about nonsense things and boring things, I would just say I’m feeling lonely and I want to be alone for awhile and get away from that person as far away as possible. Its better than telling him that he bores me half to death and I do not care about a word he is saying. And when I say I feel lonely, I’m telling the truth. When I feel disconnected with someone I’m talking to, it makes me so damn lonely that I just want the earth to explode at that exact moment just to shut the person I am with up. I know its an evil thing to say but being dishonest about my feeling is very hipocritical. I mean, why bother writing this long and boring blog if I would just lie?
Loneliness is a very scary thing. That is why I want to be alone. I want to get away from people who makes me lonely. At least when I’m alone, there is no phoniness around.