The thing with loneliness is, you never know when you will be lonely. You could be talking with one of your friends and suddenly you feel a strange feeling of disconnection. Like everything doesn’t make any sense and you jumble your words till you find an excuse to leave your friend and go home and wallow in sadness. It’s a very strange phenomena. But loneliness is kind of an odd feeling. I mean, I enjoy loneliness. It gives me reason to be sad. It gives me permission to be mad at the world. It gives me comfort that I can blame everyone for what I’m feeling. I want to drown myself into self-pity and watch everyone around me feel guilty. A terrible thing, I know, but hey, whatever works right?
Sometimes, being lonely is very depressing. Its like you are carrying this heavy anchor everywhere you go and you drag it around. You can’t dispose of it because it doesn’t exist. Its just an invisible solid matter that weighs a million ton but only exists in your mind. Its a goddamn personal hell. And you wait for someone to notice your burden but guess what? Either nobody notices or nobody cares. I prefer the latter because I wouldn’t care either. I’m a selfish bastard who only cares about my own happiness. People do not care about other people. It’s a damn hipocrisy because of the holy scriptures or the bible. They require us to be kind and gentle and giving and charitable to get a fucking reward when we die but come on. Death is the end. There is no after. Let us not waste our life pretending that we are holy individuals who wants to do good to others. Of course we prioritize ourselves.
Loneliness is a nice way to say to people that you are bored talking to them. If I’m talking to somebody and we are having conversation about nonsense things and boring things, I would just say I’m feeling lonely and I want to be alone for awhile and get away from that person as far away as possible. Its better than telling him that he bores me half to death and I do not care about a word he is saying. And when I say I feel lonely, I’m telling the truth. When I feel disconnected with someone I’m talking to, it makes me so damn lonely that I just want the earth to explode at that exact moment just to shut the person I am with up. I know its an evil thing to say but being dishonest about my feeling is very hipocritical. I mean, why bother writing this long and boring blog if I would just lie?
Loneliness is a very scary thing. That is why I want to be alone. I want to get away from people who makes me lonely. At least when I’m alone, there is no phoniness around.