Where are you?
Ive been looking forever, you know.
Are you hiding?
I really doubt it.
Do you know how much time is already wasted?
Or maybe you just don’t care.
You are not the one looking, so its basically not your problem.
Your job is just to exist.
And mine is to find you.
Which is kind of sad.
Because I don’t know how to find you.
Or I don’t know.
Maybe I won’t find you.
Because maybe you don’t exist.
I am just pretending you do.
Because being lonely sucks.
Life is kind of sad, you know.
You’d know that, if you exist.
But even if you don’t.
I wouldn’t know.
I’ll just keep searching.
And nothing else would matter.
Except finding you.
In this void.
In this time.
In this emptiness.
I was so happy today! Let me tell you about my day!
I was walking happily along the park. I saw children playing and lovers of course. They were smooching and kissing and oh what a lovely sight. They were giving me these friendly nods like we were already friends! What delightful creatures! There were old people just enjoying the view and watching the sunset and it just brought a smile to my face. It was a perfect day where everything was in order.
I took my machine gun and fired at everybody! They were screaming and shouting in pain! There were blood everywhere and they would just beg for me to stop. But of course I didn’t! I wouldn’t want to waste these beautiful day right? Everyone was running around, trying to save their lives! It was like conducting my own orchestra! What a masterpiece.
Well, after the bullets for my machine gun went empty, I had to stop. I was sad but quite content with my work. Oh well, I can always go back anytime! I wonder which park I would go to next. I wish there were more children!
I celebrated new year in a very weird mindset. I looked at it as an exaggerated event because it is actually pretty exaggerated. Yeah, I guess I just dont get why we have to celebrate the 360 rotation of the earth around the sun. The weird thing is, this year is the only year I looked at new year in that light. Maybe because Im sad and I wanted to simplify things to make it more, you know, depressing? Which is very confusing to me since why would I interpret a good event as a depressing one just to make myself feel worse? Shouldn’t I be trying to make myself happy?
Then I figured, I must be doing it subconsciously. My mind is reading everything in my surrounding and relates it to my depression, in order for it to makes sense. Because come to think of it, I dont have any reason to be depressed. I just am. It kinda sucks knowing you are withering away, and you have no idea why.
Then the fireworks came. Its pretty, I admit. I appreciated the fact that people spend money just to put on a light show and show off their festive spirits. But the way the lights registered in my mind seems colorless. My eyes are seeing all the colors, but my mind is rejecting it. Underwhelmingly sad, but frankly I didn’t care. It was just nightly explosions of hue, and I didnt really like fireworks.
So after about 30 minutes, I went to bed. There were still random firecrackers present outside, but other than that, it felt like a normal day. The ceiling was still resonating awkwardly on my face and I was staring at it like an idiot. I was waiting for a UFO to smash open the roof and suck me right into their spaceship and dissect me or whatever. But unfortunately, no one came. Maybe I’ll just dream about happiness. So I pepped talk myself to sleep. I was cheering my mind to get the day over with and shut down. I closed my eyes. And Darkness. Darkness. Darkness. I like darkness.
Wait. Why did you open this post? Are you curious about what Im about to say? Sure you do, with that kind of title, its hard to resist not clicking it. Everyone living in this world aims only one thing and one thing only. Happiness. The peak of our existence is where we achieve contentment and happiness in everything around us. Unfortunately, not everyone is given the opportunity to be happy before they die. Depression, anxiety, problems, and whatnot, its hard to keep a positive attitude with a lot of negativity going on. But the truth is we strive so hard to be happy, we over complicate things. We look for things we dont have and we work so hard to get them thinking that it will make us feel fulfilled and satisfied. Dont get me wrong. Sure its nice to have goals and dream but honestly, why wait for these things before you feel cheerful? Does it mean that you should be depressed and suicidal while trying to obtain these goals? Because come to think of it, happiness is just a state of mind. And emotion is just our reaction to a given situation. Meaning, happiness depends on us 100 percent. We don’t need things to feel happy, we just need proper attitude.
I know, I know, it sounds cliche, but that is the truth. If a friend says bad things about you, its only appropriate to get mad. We react to the scenario. But our reaction could be positive like I don’t care, I don’t like him/her as a friend anyway. It’s his/her lost. See? Its the silver linings of things that we should appreciate. We must always tend to go towards positivity.
Who am I kidding. It is easier said than done, I admit. But in my state of mind right now, all I can do is try to motivate myself in order to calm the wave of depression that is hitting me. Im writing this post specifically for me. I am convincing myself and this is an act of desperation for my part. Im wallowing in my own shit here. I am running out of options.
Happiness. Is it the absence of sadness? Or is it more of the satisfaction of overcoming it? Believe me, I am stuck at the bottom for too long. Is it too much to ask for someone to help me. Its pretty dark down here you know.