Tag Archives: funny

Humor Me With Tragedy

Death came to offer his peace

But I refuse, the fuck is this?

I would rather fade softly and quietly

Than carry the weight of my misery
Its never solemn, it seldom is

But honesty is my catharsis

Bludgering mess of a human I am

Blame me? Blame you? Blame fucking them!
Oh I know you do not understand

Who, for fucks sake, really can?

Wallowing in your shit, ain’t you?

Dont worry, none of these is true
Oh wait

Please stop

Dont’t go

I’ll fade

Goodbye

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My favorite movie quotes

These are my top 5 movie quotes of all time. They deeply affected me emotionally and some of them just made me question my existence and reality of things. They are in no particular order because honestly, I don’t believe in favorite movies. They all touch you in different ways.

1.) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

“You said “so go” with such disdain, you know?”

If you haven’t watched Eternal Sunshine, please stop reading this piece of shit and go watch it. Seriously. And bring a barrel of tissues. And to those who had watched it, then you know what part of the movie this quotes was taken. I like this line very much because it is so sincere, its so honest and so regretful. The delivery of Jim Carrey was so raw that I feel so much discomfort during the dream sequence. Very, very good film.

2.) The Matrix

“What is real? How do you define real? If you’re talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.”

This line punched me in the brain because it makes a lot of sense. We believe the world is real because our brain tells us that it is. But how do we know that our brain is not being stimulated by high technology aliens? Damn. Guess we’ll never know? We’ll just eait for someone to unplug us from the matrix.

3.) Bruce Almighty

“Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce, it’s a magic trick. A single mom who’s working two jobs, and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that’s a miracle. A teenager who says “no” to drugs and “yes” to an education, that’s a miracle. People want Me to do everything for them, but what they don’t realize is, they have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.”

Yeah, Bruce Almighty is all fun. But this quote is so inspirstional, you know? Like someone successful was telling his rags-to-riches story in front of the audience. I don’t know why. I love this one. It makes me think how I always expect God to do everything for me.

4.) Memento

“So you lie to yourself to be happy, there’s nothing wrong with that. We all do it.”

The ever forgetful Leonard Shelby. I like this quote because it is so applicable to everyone, we lie about everything to ease our pain and I agree. Lying for self-contentment is not necessarily bad. It is bad if you do it everytime and it slowly becomes a delusion but everything that is too much is bad, anyway. 

5.) Lost in Translation

“The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you.”

This movie is so subtle. The title, the dialogue, the actions, the WHISPHER. The freaking whisper at the end. Yeah, this is a very good existentialism film. The way I see it at least. It is a very boring looking movie because it is about the dull moments of life and I appreciate the alienation thing with the Japanese culture. The quote above summarizes the movie for me;p and generally, my life. I watched the movie on the period of my life where I was just.. lost. Spiritually and emotionally detached from myself. So this film was literally my bestfriend back then. What a nerd I am.

So bored, can’t even think of a title.

X: I am so bored.

X: Shit. I don’t have anything to do.

X: I might as well sleep all day. This is so frustrating.

X: The sun is shining so bright, but I don’t want to go outside. I am goddamn useless.

X: The bed… Its so warm…  The bed….. I will never part with you.

X: Damn. Might as well write something useful.

X: I can’t think of a effing topic.

X: I don’t even know how to pronounce rendezvous right. Im an idiot.

X: Who in the right mind would like to read about bats flying in my room. 

X: Fuck it. They don’t even know my name. I’ll write for no one but myself.

X: AHHHHHH. I WANT TO KILL MYSELF!

X: I wish I live for about a trillion years.

X: I am so thirsty. And I have to pee so bad. I’ll do both at the same time.

X: I have never seen a chicken having sex. Nor cockroaches. Nor Lizards. Fuck.

X: What would I do after college? I’d probably die of starvation because I don’t know how to do anything. I am so fucked.

X: minesweeper. So I just press random button rights? WTF. Why did I die? How the hell am I supposed to know if there is a bomb there. Fucking ridiculous game.

X: What does an electric fan taste like? I have never seen someone eat an electric fan. I wonder why.

X: goddamnit. Why the hell does Tarzan cover his private parts? Where did that idea come from? His mother ape? Jesus Christ.

X: I still don’t know how to kill a mockingbird. The book wasn’t really helpful. At all. 

X: How the hell did I win the sperm race? I can’t even jog 30 seconds straight.

X: what the hell am I writing

X: I’ve lost it haven’t I?

X: I don’t even know how to end this blog post.

X: Wait I got it.

X: Stop.

Whine Though

You look out the window. What do you see? Nothing. Its dark outside, its freezing cold and its scary. I dont get it. Why do I always look out the freaking window in the middle of the mothereffing night? Its like this compulsive thing, like I dont have any control with my body. i just have to peek the goddamn window every night before I go to sleep. I half expect to see a headless man greeting me hello and me unable to comply because Im sure I would have fainted the moment I see it.

It is so frustrating. I have no idea what the hell I am supposed to find or why. I stare and stare and stare and freeze myself to death but I still break my neck from extending it outside, hoping to see something I do not know what. But the other night, I did see something interesting. It was a bat flying aimlessly into the night and suddenly came rushing inside my room and before I knew it, I was running around the room like my life depended on it. I was running so crazy that I didnt even noticed that the bat wasn’t even chasing me. It was minding its own business, thinking what the hell was it doing there. While it was busy flapping its wings and trying to find an exit, I was getting ready to mutilate it with my freshly forged knife (I took it from the kitchen). 

But I looked at it one more freaking time and I didnt have the guts to kill it. It looked so helpless that I didnt even know why the hell I was about to kill it. I was afraid, because it was unusual. An unusual event happened and instead of being amused, I was scared as a fucking pussy. So I put the knife down, went towards the bat and held it without hesitation. It tried to break free but my grip was firmer. I was afraid it would bite me but I kinda had a feeling it wont. Not because I was a goddamn professional bat handler but rather because it knows that Im trying to help. I leaded its body towards the window and out he goes into the dark hole of the night. It was a fulfillinf feeling, being able to handle the situation.

After that night, I was able to sleep without looking out the window. The problem is, now I cant sleep without watching bat videos. Fucking mannerisms.

How to lower your Self-esteem and Self-Destruct

1. Compare your looks with the most attractive friend you have and complain to the universe why you are so ugly.

2. Wait, you don’t have any friends so just find anyone you find attractive and realize that you are the ugliest thing that God created. Blame your parents, your grandparents, and your roots for inheriting an ugly genes.

3. Reject every invitation that enables you to interact socially with anyone. I REPEAT, EVERY INVITATION. Then go to your bedroom and ask yourself why the hell you dont want to go. Cry for a solid 30 minutes and then watch a youtube video.

4. Read a lot of books and act as nerdy as hell. Show your classmates whos boss on algebra and trigonometry. Solve complicated equations and show off your mathematic skills. Repeat till you get the attention of the bullies and they tear your face off. Try to kiss one of them while they’re beating you up to spice things up more.

5. Play video games all day and do nothing else. Then complain why you dont have social life. Then sleep. Repeat.

6. Read this list and realize that that author of this post is just the same as you. Like this post, then go on living with your pathetic life.

Knock Knock, Mr.Cobbenfield.

(Note: this is a short story I made 3 years ago and I just want to share it. Be advised,it is full of grammatical errors. But I dont care! Haha)

Mr.Cobbenfield had that surprised look on his face by the time he opened the door. He is about the same height as my dad, which is 5’6 tall and he wears a grand beard, which made me really envious. I always fancied having a beard. I thought they make you look tough and respectable, the kind that really defines what the word man means. Anyway, I didn’t want to be rude so I straighten up my tie and tidied up my suit. I thougt a proper introduction was necessary for this memorable night. And his stupid reaction was kind of getting on my nerve. “Good evening Mr. Cobbenfield. My name is Edmund Riley. I don’t think we’ve met before.” I offered my right hand to Mr. Cobblefield for a handshake. I’m a big fan of handshaking. Makes everything look formal and smart and official. It has a certain feel of sincerity to it and it just makes me feel more connected to the person I’m speaking to. Mr. Cobbenfield looks at my hand for a few seconds and then stares directly back at me. His facial expression changed from dumbfounded to complete annoyance. 

“Do you know what time it is boy?” He was completely ignoring my hands, but I kept it upright. I don’t like someone rejecting my handshake. It puts all the blood in my body right into my head and I don’t want that to happen. I wanted to make everything as cool as possible. I looked at my wristwatch, which was on my left arm while my right arm stayed erected towards Mr. Cobbenfield. I will get that handshake no matter what. 

“Yes sir, I believe it’s almost 2am sir. 1:48 to be exact,” I was forcing a smile, and I buried my stare deep in his eyes. “Would you please shake my hand sir, cause I’ll really appreciate it.” 

“Yea, its 2 in the morning boy. May I ask who you are and what’s your business here in my home that is so urgent that you have to wake me and my family up?” Oh boy, he’s still ignoring my handshake. Now I know where his fat b*****d son got his arrogance. Im starting to dislike this man more and more. That could work. He doesn’t deserve that beard, that fart. 

“I believe I just told you my name, Mr. Cobbenfield. My name is Edmund Riley, and I’m here to talk to your son. You know, the pig.” The bewildered look on Mr. Cobbenfield’s face almost made me giggle. Now I see Rickie’s resemblance to this big idiot. He’s just as pathetic as this drool. “Get the f**k out of here or I swear I’ll call the police!” I was starting to feel numbness on my right arm so I calmly put it down and rub it a little bit. It felt kind of rubbery and springy. I cant really describe the feeling, but it was really uncomfortable. 

“Who do you think you are? Barging here like some kind of punk and calling my son a pig!” 

“Sorry for the poor choice of words Mr. Cobbenfield. Would you prefer it more if I call him a fat a*****e?” 

“Why you little s**t! I’ll kick the s**t out of you–!” He was about to punch me in the face when I pulled out a knife from my suit and pointed it at him. “Easy there, Mr. Cobbenfield. You don’t want us to CUT our ties this early in our relationship now that you and I are getting to know each other more.” Boy, was he surprised. Bet he didn’t see that coming. “Okay boy, what kind of practical joke is this?” he raised his hand like a friggin criminial and looked alarmingly at the knife. Not so tough after all. Bearded idiot. 

“You’re just about to punch my head off, Mr. Cobbenfield. And now you say that this is some kind of practical joke? Who’s joking now?” I let out a soft but sinister laugh. I don’t know why Mr.Cobbenfield didn’t laugh. I figured, he didn’t get the joke. He was just sweating there like some kind of athlete or something. “Easy boy, drop the knife and lets talk about this.” He was kind as f**k. Like a ture goddamn gentleman. Man, if he was this nice from the start, I wouldn’t need the goddamn knife. There’s just no understanding adults nowadays. “You know Mr. Cobbenfield, there are only two kinds of people in this world. The handshakers, and people who are just rude as f**k, I’d like to cut them to little pieces. And I bet you can figure out where I categorize you, eh?” 

I was asking imperatively of course, but I just want to get an answer out of him. I mean, now that he’s acting nice and all, I want to chit chat a little bit. “Oh, is this about the handshake?! Fine I’ll shake your hand. Just stop pointing that knife on my face!” He was noisy as hell. A noisy a*****e. He was trying to put his right arm forward, while his left arm was held high up in the air. He wants me to shake his hand. Ha! How the tables had turned. “I’m afraid we’re done with the introductions, Mr.Cobbenfield. And please don’t bother with the handshake. Because if there’s one thing I hate more than non-handshakers, thats insincere people. It just makes me want to skin them alive!” 

I was kind of trembling with emotions as I was saying it. My hands were shaking like hell, and it was kinda out of control. I was twitching my eyes. God, I’m getting pretty pumped up. Mr. Cobbenfield shot his right arm on the air in surprise. My God, If I knew any better, he might had pissed his pants that very minute. But I was hazy from my enthusiasm that I didn’t care about it at all. “Now show me that stinking son of yours before I lose it Mr. Cobbenfield!” I don’t want to force myself inside the house. That’s not a good attitude. You must be invited before you come in somebody’s house. Its just proper ettiquette. “Please don’t hurt my family! We’ll give you what you want. We-we have some money here, if you like!” Oh, he was crying. Like a f*****g p***y. “Give me your son, Rickie f****t, or I’ll murder all your family. And when I say family, I mean your infant child too.” I was f*****g serious. The neighborhood was quiet and gloomy. I’m surprised, because I was so sure we were talking quite loudly. Or maybe they’re just nice enough not to disturb two gentlemen in the middle of their conversation. I like that neighborhood. I wonder why Rickie got to live in this place and I’m stuck back at home with my fiendish parents. A very weird world. I maintained my composure. I took the smirk off my face and adjusted my hair. My bangs kept hiding my face. It was kinda itchy. Maybe I should consider a haircut. I look like Kurt Cobain or something. 

“Sorry about that Mr. Cobbenfield. Would you be a good host and let me inside your house? It’s getting kinda cold out here.” It was honestly cold. Like a goddamn Christmas Eve. I was smiling nicely of course. A good host deserves a good visitor. 

“No, please. Ill give you cash and then you can leave. Let’s settle this for Christ sake. Without violence. You know? I just want a–” 

“That’s not the appropriate response to a visitor Mr. Cobbenfield.” I was so disappointed to his response that I swear I could have cut his throat that instant. But I’m weirdly in a forgiving mood that I reconsidered my actions. “I’ll give you a chance to answer correctly. But I warn you, I don’t give second chances so often. So answer intelligently this time.” I fixed a smile on my face once more, swiped my bangs off my face ( I should really get a haircut), and offered my right hand to him. “My name is Edmund Riley.” He was confused as a motherfucking baby. “You must be Mr. Cobbenfield? I’m looking for your son, Rickie Cobbenfield, who I must say is a real cocksucker.” Sweat running down his forehead. “May I come in?” He froze there for a minute. He looked so goddamn stupid raising both of his hands on the air. Maybe he was thinking of fighting back. After all, what can a high school student do to him? Except of course stab him to death, which is another story. He slowly put down his right arm, trying not to look like a threat to me, then grabbed my right arm in a firm grasp. He shook my hand. Very slowly. Up and down, up and down. You can almost hear a rythm from our arms, like the hands of a conductor swaying his hands to the beat of an orchestra. Very lovely. 

“P-please, come in,” said Mr. Cobbenfield, with a slightly cracked voice. It was magical. 
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