Tag Archives: depression

True Love

Where are you?

Ive been looking forever, you know.

Are you hiding?

I really doubt it.

Do you know how much time is already wasted?

Or maybe you just don’t care.

You are not the one looking, so its basically not your problem.

Your job is just to exist.

And mine is to find you.

Which is kind of sad.

Because I don’t know how to find you.

Or I don’t know.

Maybe I won’t find you.

Like ever.

Because maybe you don’t exist.

I am just pretending you do.

Hoping desperately.

Because being lonely sucks.

Life is kind of sad, you know.

You’d know that, if you exist.

But even if you don’t.

I wouldn’t know.

I’ll just keep searching.

And searching.

And searching.

And nothing else would matter.

Except finding you.

In this void.

In this time.

In this emptiness.

Insufferable

And you see yourself tumbling down from your own thoughts, decaying slowly your state of mind as you descend to lunacy. You deprive yourself of social necessities and devote all your precious time devising a masterplan that enables you to get away with solitude. It is that insatiable thirst for isolation that drives you insane yet you try to piece together the reality you created. It is a ticking time bomb, an impeccable plan for self-destruction and desolation. It is fun. It is you.

And through the blinding darkness you search for meaning and purpose. As foolish as your desire to be lonely is your desire to change the world or at least create a dent. Two conflicting ideas fighting over your body like tug-of-war, only you are splitting in half and gradually returning to the limbo you tried to get out from.

The menacing nightmares begins to haunt you, laughing at your terrified murmurs. It is a deafening feeling created solely by you and you alone. Dissociate yourself from this world and the world dissociates from you. 

And the mind flickers its last light before finally giving in to the pitch black night.

You said “so go” with such disdain.

X: Remember the first time we met?

Y: yeah… It was very awkward. You were very awkward!

X: I never thought you’ll come and talk to me, thats all. Besides Im very introverted.

Y: I got the hots for creepy guys you know?

X: Yeah lucky me.

Y: What? 

X: Nothing. I said you liked me the moment you saw me. Dont deny it!

Y: Yeah right. The only reason I talked to you is beacause you were wearing a John Lennon shirt.

X: For all I know, you just wanted to ask me out!

Y: On the contrary, it felt like you were about to kiss me anytime that moment. I was nervous you know! How do I know you are not a sex offender!

X: I did. You were the most beautiful girl in the park that day.

Y: Yeah right! Said the creepy stalker!

X: I am not a stalker! God! I just saw that you like John Lennon in your facebook profile. So I borrowed the tshirt!

Y: Hahaha. Gotcha! Right from the horses’ mouth.

X: Well, it worked right?

Y: yeah, you let me fall in love with you, idiot.

X: Well, you basically forced me into a relationship! Hahaha

Y: Hahaha. O my god, how do you muster the willpower to say such blatant lies!

X: Admit it! You were stalking me too!

Y: I dont stalk you as much as you stalk me. You have a room full of my pictures! You even have candles there for worshipping me.

X: hahahaha. That was a good one! How did you come up with that? You were doing it to my pictures e?

Y: yeah, I use your pictures in summoning rituals and witchcraft!

X: Meaning you use love potions to make me fall for you? 

Y: As a matter of fact I used hate potions to prevent you from falling in love with me. But your obsession with me is so great, even my hate potions are not working.

X: hahahaha.

Y: hahahahahaha

X:…..

Y:…..

X:..

Y: why did you leave me?

X: I dont know. Im stupid, I guess.

Y: I knew that.

X: Im sorry.

Y: I just cant understand why. We were happy.

X: Yes we were happy. In the beginning.

Y: Thats how a relationship works! Happy times and sad times! You think it’ll only be full of butterflies and fairies?

X: i know that. But we were falling down so fast. I didnt want to see us crash at the bottom. 

Y: No point in arguing now.

X: besides you are happy now. I can see.

Y: thankfully, i survived after you left.

X: well…

Y: Yeah. Well. I got to go now.

X: oh, sure, will I ever see you again?

Y: i dont know. Im not sure.

X: we’ll see each other again.

Y: dreams maybe?

X: I hope so.

Y: goodbye

X: goodbye to you

Just read the damn thing.

It is so depressing when you think about meaning of life and everything that revolves around you. The more you search for reasons and purpose, the more you see the irrationality of things. Of course there is no purpose. I know that. But I was hoping I’m wrong just so I can make up false hope that someday I will do the things I am supposed to do. It is so sad just thinking about how no one cares what you do in your life because you don’t matter. Even when I’m writing this, all that is running in my head is even though someone might read this and waste their time reading about some random loser in the internet babbling about his non-sense, they’ll forget about this after a few days. No one will remember me not because they don’t give a shit about me. They’ll forget me because that’s what people do. They forget.

And that’s just sad. It’s so sad to know that I am sad and there’s nothing I can do about it but just go through it. I wish there’s some button where I can just press it anytime I feel sad and then I’ll go to sleep and wake up only if I’m feeling happy. But it makes me sad that there’s no such button. It makes me depress that I think of impossible solutions to my problem because there is no possible solutions available to remedy it.

One thing that makes me sad is when I see a girl I really like in the move or in t.v. or in youtube and I know I won’t ever have a chance to meet her in person and even if I did, there is absolutely no chance she’ll take notice of me. I hate it that there’s nothing within my power that I can do to change that fact. I am stuck on the other side of the screen infatuating. And that makes me sad. When you look at the screen and you see a girl you like and get to know her and ask her out on a date and marry her but you know that life prevents you from doing that. Because I don’t matter enough to be given a chance to talk to that girl. And it depresses me to no end just by thinking about it.

You know what else is sad. The fact that no one will read this. And this will be just another crappy blog post that no one will ever get to read. Because no one really gives a shit about other people’s problem. Especially if they’re just some kind of creepy paranoia. And it makes me so fucking sad.

 

Entropy.

Its weird, really. I have this unstoppable desire to pursue life and be happy but there is some invisible force that keeps dragging me down here. I am trying so hard to climb up and get better with my life but its easier said than done. It is this unending stairs that gives me an illusion of ascending but in reality, its like I’m wandering around a Penrose stair: circling around this black hole of unending anxiety and despair but never getting anywhere. It is this irony of life that is so odd that it all boils down to the waiting game, the act of surrendering to social norms and paranoia that you yourself becomes the thing you despise the most: a phoney. You create an illusion of happiness based on people’s standards and wants and you believe it so much that you become blinded by the truth. The truth that you are not being forced into a prison but rather, you are incarcenating yourself into a bottomless loophole of unending greed. Prison of the mind. And what is worse than being a prisoner of your own disillusionment? Infecting others with it. A group of imprisoned minds yelling to be let out but they have in fact the key to the cell. It is self-deception actually with no real motive or reason behind it. We feel oppressed but we ourselves are the oppressors and we take advantage of that self-pity. We agonized with our fake pains to give ourselves reasons to be angry, to be mad. A rage that is directed to nobody but ourselves. So we self-destruct. We try to correct the morals we intendedly destroyed and get depressed when we fail. Isn’t this an example of a mental suicide? The purging of the mind.

 It’s weird, really.

How to be Perfectly Happy.

Wait. Why did you open this post? Are you curious about what Im about to say? Sure you do, with that kind of title, its hard to resist not clicking it. Everyone living in this world aims only one thing and one thing only. Happiness. The peak of our existence is where we achieve contentment and happiness in everything around us. Unfortunately, not everyone is given the opportunity to be happy before they die. Depression, anxiety, problems, and whatnot, its hard to keep a positive attitude with a lot of negativity going on. But the truth is we strive so hard to be happy, we over complicate things. We look for things we dont have and we work so hard to get them thinking that it will make us feel fulfilled and satisfied. Dont get me wrong. Sure its nice to have goals and dream but honestly, why wait for these things before you feel cheerful? Does it mean that you should be depressed and suicidal while trying to obtain these goals? Because come to think of it, happiness is just a state of mind. And emotion is just our reaction to a given situation. Meaning, happiness depends on us 100 percent. We don’t need things to feel happy, we just need proper attitude.

I know, I know, it sounds cliche, but that is the truth. If a friend says bad things about you, its only appropriate to get mad. We react to the scenario. But our reaction could be positive like I don’t care, I don’t like him/her as a friend anyway. It’s his/her lost. See? Its the silver linings of things that we should appreciate. We must always tend to go towards positivity.

Who am I kidding. It is easier said than done, I admit. But in my state of mind right now, all I can do is try to motivate myself in order to calm the wave of depression that is hitting me. Im writing this post specifically for me. I am convincing myself and this is an act of desperation for my part. Im wallowing in my own shit here. I am running out of options.

Happiness. Is it the absence of sadness? Or is it more of the satisfaction of overcoming it? Believe me, I am stuck at the bottom for too long. Is it too much to ask for someone to help me. Its pretty dark down here you know.

Come, Look at Your Reflection.

I was once in this state of confusion. My life was petty and pretty aimless. My goals were non-existent and frankly, there was no reason for me to exist except populate the earth. I was an excess of life. I was unwanted. Which was fine at that time because nobody really cared if I die or not. I was this invisible persona that people saw through as nothing more than a piece of shit. And I was perfectly okay with it.

My mind was swimming in a foggy terrain, lagging behind the ever progressing world. At some point of my life, I kinda gave up and i just sat down and just let things go. They were beyond my control and I was getting beaten up pretty bad by life. I said fuck it and watch the whole thing crumble down to ruins. It is easier to watch an unstable tower fall than pretend that you can still make it stand tall. It was beyond repair. 

Believe me, I tried everything to recover. Whether you like it or not, time will pass you by and there is nothing you can do. The efforts I did to search for meaning, for purpose. It was frustrating and damning, and the ground I was standing on at that time was a concrete asphalt of depression and I was stucked at it for a very long time. I was literally just waiting to mentally shutdown and jump off the building. There is no greater enemy than yourself and you can’t really annihilate what you can’t understand. Long story short, my life was drowning on a big pile of rotting feces. It was something I don’t ever want to feel again. Some hell, huh?

My saving grace you might ask? Nothing. I saved myself. I figured my life was already fucked so hard, there was no way I can fuck it up even more. No way to go but up right? The little efforts I made were unimpactful but its better than nothing. I started writing. Things that are running around my mind, my purgatory in earth. All the monstrosity and hatred I feel, I try to put into words. The results are the posts you can read in my blog. I am forging my writing skills to further materialize my darkness but hey, its a start. My madness is unfathomable and I bet the image of me that is forming in your head right now somewhat resembles a disfigured monster outcast from society. That’s okay, because that is the part of me I wanted to share. That is how I exorcise my inner demons or else I will self-destruct. It’s an unforgiving world or rather, an unforgiving society. 

Indulge me, tell me your thoughts. Come and join me for awhile, step into my Madness.