Its weird, really. I have this unstoppable desire to pursue life and be happy but there is some invisible force that keeps dragging me down here. I am trying so hard to climb up and get better with my life but its easier said than done. It is this unending stairs that gives me an illusion of ascending but in reality, its like I’m wandering around a Penrose stair: circling around this black hole of unending anxiety and despair but never getting anywhere. It is this irony of life that is so odd that it all boils down to the waiting game, the act of surrendering to social norms and paranoia that you yourself becomes the thing you despise the most: a phoney. You create an illusion of happiness based on people’s standards and wants and you believe it so much that you become blinded by the truth. The truth that you are not being forced into a prison but rather, you are incarcenating yourself into a bottomless loophole of unending greed. Prison of the mind. And what is worse than being a prisoner of your own disillusionment? Infecting others with it. A group of imprisoned minds yelling to be let out but they have in fact the key to the cell. It is self-deception actually with no real motive or reason behind it. We feel oppressed but we ourselves are the oppressors and we take advantage of that self-pity. We agonized with our fake pains to give ourselves reasons to be angry, to be mad. A rage that is directed to nobody but ourselves. So we self-destruct. We try to correct the morals we intendedly destroyed and get depressed when we fail. Isn’t this an example of a mental suicide? The purging of the mind.
It’s weird, really.
Madness is a funny thing. You don’t know it, but you’re slowly falling into its grasp, like a moth bewildered by alamp’s light. There’s beauty in its concept: freedom, truth, uniqueness, individuality. You can be what you really are if you succumb to madness, if you let yourself drown to its tenacity. But be warned, it is a point of no return. Once you enter its forest, you are forever trapped in it, wandering aimlessly into oblivion. The things you’ll see there are unspeakable and deranged but you’ll get the hang of it. Its just a matter of time before you create your own Eden full of your own mutilated creatures.
Oh, dont be afraid child. Fear is just the beginning. Fear is the realization that there is no escape in this world and control is beyond your power. It is the seed that will blossom to the nightmares you had kept deep inside you for a very long time and knowing that its just a matter of time before its roots spread all over your corrupted body. Let it change you. Let it destroy you.
Chaos. Ah, such a disastrous word. But why? Its freedom, right? Its the state of being lawless and immune to rules. Then why are you afraid of it? Isnt it ironic that the freedom that we all so want to have is just the thing we never wanted to experience in our life? The answer is simple. We are selfish. We only want things that will benefit us personally. We only want it applied to us, because we think our judgment is better than anyone else. We want madness, chaos, and freedom only to ourselves.
So the next time you feel that you are on the brink, that any moment you’ll fall into the rabbit hole, remember, its only as deep as you want it to be. Don’t stray too long, Alice.