Garbage

I love you

That’s why I left you

Cos you will never be happy

As long as you’re with me
I am a tragedy

A walkin catastrophy

A ticking time bomb

A death wish
I’m so happy I broke your heart

Because I know you’ll loathe me

And I’m fine with that my dear

As long as you dont see my decay
Those tears you cried for me

The curses you shouted at me

Its a melody to my ear

Cos I know you had enough
Please hate me forever

Don’t ever think of coming back

I’ll just rot here in darkness

And turn into naught

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So bored, can’t even think of a title.

X: I am so bored.

X: Shit. I don’t have anything to do.

X: I might as well sleep all day. This is so frustrating.

X: The sun is shining so bright, but I don’t want to go outside. I am goddamn useless.

X: The bed… Its so warm…  The bed….. I will never part with you.

X: Damn. Might as well write something useful.

X: I can’t think of a effing topic.

X: I don’t even know how to pronounce rendezvous right. Im an idiot.

X: Who in the right mind would like to read about bats flying in my room. 

X: Fuck it. They don’t even know my name. I’ll write for no one but myself.

X: AHHHHHH. I WANT TO KILL MYSELF!

X: I wish I live for about a trillion years.

X: I am so thirsty. And I have to pee so bad. I’ll do both at the same time.

X: I have never seen a chicken having sex. Nor cockroaches. Nor Lizards. Fuck.

X: What would I do after college? I’d probably die of starvation because I don’t know how to do anything. I am so fucked.

X: minesweeper. So I just press random button rights? WTF. Why did I die? How the hell am I supposed to know if there is a bomb there. Fucking ridiculous game.

X: What does an electric fan taste like? I have never seen someone eat an electric fan. I wonder why.

X: goddamnit. Why the hell does Tarzan cover his private parts? Where did that idea come from? His mother ape? Jesus Christ.

X: I still don’t know how to kill a mockingbird. The book wasn’t really helpful. At all. 

X: How the hell did I win the sperm race? I can’t even jog 30 seconds straight.

X: what the hell am I writing

X: I’ve lost it haven’t I?

X: I don’t even know how to end this blog post.

X: Wait I got it.

X: Stop.

New Year¡

I celebrated new year in a very weird mindset. I looked at it as an exaggerated event because it is actually pretty exaggerated. Yeah, I guess I just dont get why we have to celebrate the 360 rotation of the earth around the sun. The weird thing is, this year is the only year I looked at new year in that light. Maybe because Im sad and I wanted to simplify things to make it more, you know, depressing? Which is very confusing to me since why would I interpret a good event as a depressing one just to make myself feel worse? Shouldn’t I be trying to make myself happy?

Then I figured, I must be doing it subconsciously. My mind is reading everything in my surrounding and relates it to my depression, in order for it to makes sense. Because come to think of it, I dont have any reason to be depressed. I just am. It kinda sucks knowing you are withering away, and you have no idea why. 

Then the fireworks came. Its pretty, I admit. I appreciated the fact that people spend money just to put on a light show and show off their festive spirits. But the way the lights registered in my mind seems colorless. My eyes are seeing all the colors, but my mind is rejecting it. Underwhelmingly sad, but frankly I didn’t care. It was just nightly explosions of hue, and I didnt really like fireworks.

So after about 30 minutes, I went to bed. There were still random firecrackers present outside, but other than that, it felt like a normal day. The ceiling was still resonating awkwardly on my face and I was staring at it like an idiot. I was waiting for a UFO to smash open the roof and suck me right into their spaceship and dissect me or whatever. But unfortunately, no one came. Maybe I’ll just dream about happiness. So I pepped talk myself to sleep. I was cheering my mind to get the day over with and shut down. I closed my eyes. And Darkness. Darkness. Darkness. I like darkness.

Loneliness

The thing with loneliness is, you never know when you will be lonely. You could be talking with one of your friends and suddenly you feel a strange feeling of disconnection. Like everything doesn’t make any sense and you jumble your words till you find an excuse to leave your friend and go home and wallow in sadness. It’s a very strange phenomena.  But loneliness is kind of an odd feeling. I mean, I enjoy loneliness. It gives me reason to be sad. It gives me permission to be mad at the world. It gives me comfort that I can blame everyone for what I’m feeling. I want to drown myself into self-pity and watch everyone around me feel guilty. A terrible thing, I know, but hey, whatever works right?

 Sometimes, being lonely is very depressing. Its like you are carrying this heavy anchor everywhere you go and you drag it around. You can’t dispose of it because it doesn’t exist. Its just an invisible solid matter that weighs a million ton but only exists in your mind. Its a goddamn personal hell. And you wait for someone to notice your burden but guess what? Either nobody notices or nobody cares. I prefer the latter because I wouldn’t care either. I’m a selfish bastard who only cares about my own happiness. People do not care about other people. It’s a damn hipocrisy because of the holy scriptures or the bible. They require us to be kind and gentle and giving and charitable to get a fucking reward when we die but come on. Death is the end. There is no after. Let us not waste our life pretending that we are holy individuals who wants to do good to others. Of course we prioritize ourselves.

 Loneliness is a nice way to say to people that you are bored talking to them. If I’m talking to somebody and we are having conversation about nonsense things and boring things, I would just say I’m feeling lonely and I want to be alone for awhile and get away from that person as far away as possible. Its better than telling him that he bores me half to death and I do not care about a word he is saying. And when I say I feel lonely, I’m telling the truth. When I feel disconnected with someone I’m talking to, it makes me so damn lonely that I just want the earth to explode at that exact moment just to shut the person I am with up. I know its an evil thing to say but being dishonest about my feeling is very hipocritical. I mean, why bother writing this long and boring blog if I would just lie?

 Loneliness is a very scary thing. That is why I want to be alone. I want to get away from people who makes me lonely. At least when I’m alone, there is no phoniness around.