Monthly Archives: January 2017

If you really want to hear about it.

I am very sad these past few days. I don’t know why. It’s just these random episodes of melancholic bursts and impulses that puts me in a lousy shape. You see people around you and you see through them. They are all trying to get by and you just watch them with such hatred and jealousy. Its not normal to not want to be normal but sometimes its a curse to be someone who tries to act so differently just to prove how unique you are as an individual. But its irritating to confess that I am not in the place I wanted to be and I don’t even know where I want to be. Its a maddening thing trying to figure your life out.  One moment you are just tagging along the flow of the universe and the next thing you know, you are commanding your own ship. How the hell did I end up here?

The thing is, people do not really care about other people. Let us admit it. No one in the whole freaking universe cares about other people. They may look like they care, but its just a social responsibility to act curious or concerned. And that is so fucking depressing, knowing that people doesnt really seem to give a shit. They say affectionate bullshits to someone and you know and feel that they do not mean a single word. Holy mother of..

You roam around facebook and all you see is  I love you, I love this, True Love, destiny, feelings. Motherfucker. That is the phoniest thing. And it is very disappointing that I cannot relate to that. Why can’t I fucking relate to love. Oh right. Because it is so phony. I can see through people posting this shit on facebook and I want to believe that they mean it but I fucking can’t. It disgusts me. People are trying to romanticize everything to the point where it blurs the line of emotions and love. If it interests you just a little bit, its supposed to be love? motherfucking God. 

Believe me, I dont want to whine. I want to relate to everybody but I just cant seem to find a way. Everybody just wants to outsmart everybody. That is so fucking depressing down to the last bone of my freaking body.

Yeah. You just read through that post. Judge me.

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Insufferable

And you see yourself tumbling down from your own thoughts, decaying slowly your state of mind as you descend to lunacy. You deprive yourself of social necessities and devote all your precious time devising a masterplan that enables you to get away with solitude. It is that insatiable thirst for isolation that drives you insane yet you try to piece together the reality you created. It is a ticking time bomb, an impeccable plan for self-destruction and desolation. It is fun. It is you.

And through the blinding darkness you search for meaning and purpose. As foolish as your desire to be lonely is your desire to change the world or at least create a dent. Two conflicting ideas fighting over your body like tug-of-war, only you are splitting in half and gradually returning to the limbo you tried to get out from.

The menacing nightmares begins to haunt you, laughing at your terrified murmurs. It is a deafening feeling created solely by you and you alone. Dissociate yourself from this world and the world dissociates from you. 

And the mind flickers its last light before finally giving in to the pitch black night.

The God Theory

I have an “okay” relationship with God. I am not really fond of Him but I sort of believe that He exists. I have doubts, I admit, but I come to terms with it. I reasoned, if God is the almighty, all knowing, all powerful being, then someone as limited as a human being (like myself) shouldn’t be able to comprehend His existence. Why would I disprove the existence of an omnipotent being based on the five senses I have? Our evolutionary senses are unreliable when it comes to the spiritual aspect because we have the senses what we have only because we had to adapt to our nature.

Well, the bible on the other hand, for me, is either too metaphorical or unbelievably true. If you compare the scientific origin of the universe and lay it side by side with the bible’s version, the only way to make sense of the bible is to analyze it in a metaphorical way which is quite confusing. How am I supposed to know if something written in the bible is to be taken literally or not? Do I make my own interpretations?

I don’t really think that God would appreciate the singing and the dancing and the worshipping thing, if He exists. Let me explain. Why would someone who created the universe want an animal who lives on earth that is situated in the solar system which is part of a galaxy named milky way to sing praises of Him? Do you think He’ll really care? Seriously? What do we think He is, an egomaniac God who thinks so highly of Himself and condemn everyone who doesn’t worship Him? Logically speaking, that is so ridiculous. Very ridiculous.
So, yeah, God is a very illogical concept to the human mind but our failure to prove His existence ironically proves that He exist because if we are able to comprehend Him, then His godlike features is nullified. The qualification of a God for me is something that cannot be quantified, something that can’t be analyzed and something that can’t be proven with the human intellect. 

No harm in having faith, right?

My favorite movie quotes

These are my top 5 movie quotes of all time. They deeply affected me emotionally and some of them just made me question my existence and reality of things. They are in no particular order because honestly, I don’t believe in favorite movies. They all touch you in different ways.

1.) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

“You said “so go” with such disdain, you know?”

If you haven’t watched Eternal Sunshine, please stop reading this piece of shit and go watch it. Seriously. And bring a barrel of tissues. And to those who had watched it, then you know what part of the movie this quotes was taken. I like this line very much because it is so sincere, its so honest and so regretful. The delivery of Jim Carrey was so raw that I feel so much discomfort during the dream sequence. Very, very good film.

2.) The Matrix

“What is real? How do you define real? If you’re talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.”

This line punched me in the brain because it makes a lot of sense. We believe the world is real because our brain tells us that it is. But how do we know that our brain is not being stimulated by high technology aliens? Damn. Guess we’ll never know? We’ll just eait for someone to unplug us from the matrix.

3.) Bruce Almighty

“Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce, it’s a magic trick. A single mom who’s working two jobs, and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that’s a miracle. A teenager who says “no” to drugs and “yes” to an education, that’s a miracle. People want Me to do everything for them, but what they don’t realize is, they have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.”

Yeah, Bruce Almighty is all fun. But this quote is so inspirstional, you know? Like someone successful was telling his rags-to-riches story in front of the audience. I don’t know why. I love this one. It makes me think how I always expect God to do everything for me.

4.) Memento

“So you lie to yourself to be happy, there’s nothing wrong with that. We all do it.”

The ever forgetful Leonard Shelby. I like this quote because it is so applicable to everyone, we lie about everything to ease our pain and I agree. Lying for self-contentment is not necessarily bad. It is bad if you do it everytime and it slowly becomes a delusion but everything that is too much is bad, anyway. 

5.) Lost in Translation

“The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you.”

This movie is so subtle. The title, the dialogue, the actions, the WHISPHER. The freaking whisper at the end. Yeah, this is a very good existentialism film. The way I see it at least. It is a very boring looking movie because it is about the dull moments of life and I appreciate the alienation thing with the Japanese culture. The quote above summarizes the movie for me;p and generally, my life. I watched the movie on the period of my life where I was just.. lost. Spiritually and emotionally detached from myself. So this film was literally my bestfriend back then. What a nerd I am.

So bored, can’t even think of a title.

X: I am so bored.

X: Shit. I don’t have anything to do.

X: I might as well sleep all day. This is so frustrating.

X: The sun is shining so bright, but I don’t want to go outside. I am goddamn useless.

X: The bed… Its so warm…  The bed….. I will never part with you.

X: Damn. Might as well write something useful.

X: I can’t think of a effing topic.

X: I don’t even know how to pronounce rendezvous right. Im an idiot.

X: Who in the right mind would like to read about bats flying in my room. 

X: Fuck it. They don’t even know my name. I’ll write for no one but myself.

X: AHHHHHH. I WANT TO KILL MYSELF!

X: I wish I live for about a trillion years.

X: I am so thirsty. And I have to pee so bad. I’ll do both at the same time.

X: I have never seen a chicken having sex. Nor cockroaches. Nor Lizards. Fuck.

X: What would I do after college? I’d probably die of starvation because I don’t know how to do anything. I am so fucked.

X: minesweeper. So I just press random button rights? WTF. Why did I die? How the hell am I supposed to know if there is a bomb there. Fucking ridiculous game.

X: What does an electric fan taste like? I have never seen someone eat an electric fan. I wonder why.

X: goddamnit. Why the hell does Tarzan cover his private parts? Where did that idea come from? His mother ape? Jesus Christ.

X: I still don’t know how to kill a mockingbird. The book wasn’t really helpful. At all. 

X: How the hell did I win the sperm race? I can’t even jog 30 seconds straight.

X: what the hell am I writing

X: I’ve lost it haven’t I?

X: I don’t even know how to end this blog post.

X: Wait I got it.

X: Stop.

Whine Though

You look out the window. What do you see? Nothing. Its dark outside, its freezing cold and its scary. I dont get it. Why do I always look out the freaking window in the middle of the mothereffing night? Its like this compulsive thing, like I dont have any control with my body. i just have to peek the goddamn window every night before I go to sleep. I half expect to see a headless man greeting me hello and me unable to comply because Im sure I would have fainted the moment I see it.

It is so frustrating. I have no idea what the hell I am supposed to find or why. I stare and stare and stare and freeze myself to death but I still break my neck from extending it outside, hoping to see something I do not know what. But the other night, I did see something interesting. It was a bat flying aimlessly into the night and suddenly came rushing inside my room and before I knew it, I was running around the room like my life depended on it. I was running so crazy that I didnt even noticed that the bat wasn’t even chasing me. It was minding its own business, thinking what the hell was it doing there. While it was busy flapping its wings and trying to find an exit, I was getting ready to mutilate it with my freshly forged knife (I took it from the kitchen). 

But I looked at it one more freaking time and I didnt have the guts to kill it. It looked so helpless that I didnt even know why the hell I was about to kill it. I was afraid, because it was unusual. An unusual event happened and instead of being amused, I was scared as a fucking pussy. So I put the knife down, went towards the bat and held it without hesitation. It tried to break free but my grip was firmer. I was afraid it would bite me but I kinda had a feeling it wont. Not because I was a goddamn professional bat handler but rather because it knows that Im trying to help. I leaded its body towards the window and out he goes into the dark hole of the night. It was a fulfillinf feeling, being able to handle the situation.

After that night, I was able to sleep without looking out the window. The problem is, now I cant sleep without watching bat videos. Fucking mannerisms.

The feeling of not feeling.

We have different opinions when it comes to feelings. I mean, sure we like to feel excited and happy and jolly all the time but the truth is, that is not always the case. We live in a world of contradiction where the positive cannot exist without the negative and vice versa so it all comes down to which emotion dominates within you throughout the day. Its the constant tug of war that people face from time to time to determine their state of mind. Bottomline, feelings or emotions are just a roll of a dice.

You may argue with me and say that the things we are feeling are caused by different circumstances and situations. That its not probability but rather a reaction. You are right. We just simply react to the situations we’re in and we decide how we react at a given moment by choosing what emotions we will entertain. But remember, we can’t choose our situation. We think that we have power over destiny but in reality, we are helpless. We end up where fate want us to be. And thats what makes our emotions random.

There is no denying, feelings are essential to our being. I mean what seperates us humans from animals is our empathy (aside from common sense, of course). We feel our conscience talking to us and in order to quiet down that inner voice, we visit the realm of morality. What are our morals? What is the very core of our humanity that defines our very existence? It varies from people to people and it is the most basic building block of our character. What may seem morally right to me may seem sinful and tragic to some. And the fine line that binds us together as one functional society despite our different opinions and perceptions are laws. Laws that neither dictates what is right nor what is wrong but rather enumerates the necessary behaviors the citizens must comply with in order to avoid chaos and live a civil life.

But enough of that. What is it really like to lose feelings? What if I never get hurt? Will it satisfy me? But I wouldn’t feel pleasure too, I bet. Heck, I wouldnt even try to move in my entire existence. I would just froze and wait for myself to die from hunger or thirst. It wont matter to me, because Im deprived of feelings. And the thought of that terrified me so much that Im thankful to the heavens I feel sadness. Its what drives me. Its what motivates me. To be happy. Even if feelings to the extreme end of a spectrum can drive a man insane. Better insane than lifeless.

Oh well Im feeling sleepy now. Imagine if I dont feel tired and sleepy. I can write a million blog everyday and I wouldnt even blink. Huh. I guess grass is always greener on the other side.

And the Night Layed Perfectly Still

I’m always nauseated by my thoughts. Its always murmuring things and ideas in my head that sometimes I wish they would all go away. Its not that I hate thinking, but during the course of the night, it is very hard to fall asleep when your brain repeatedly tries to suffocate you with random bullshits. Its a mundane tasks, trying to tame your brain.

I dont think Im a smart man. Hell, Im average at best. But I like expressing my feelings here because why not? I dont even know if someone is sane enough to read some of my blogs and even if they do, I dont think they care enough to judge me. In this place, I have a mask. I can say whatever the hell I like and no one will bat an eye. Not even you.

I dont hate hipocrisy. I mean I dislike the idea but overall, I think its an essential human trait. If you want to function properly in this society, you must be a hypocrite. You have to talk to people you dislike, obey the laws you dont agree with, get a job you really hate and act sane all the time. When I say sane, I mean the standard society expects from you because thats how the world works. Keeping up with expectations.

I once asked myself, what is happiness? Is it the absence of sadness? Then I realized, no. Sadness is an important ingredient to attain happiness. I mean if you are happy, you can’t become happier. There is no degree of happiness. If you are happy, then thats the happiest emotion you’ll ever attain. But if you are sad, you have a goal. You have to overcome sadness because thats how happiness works. The contrast between sadness and happiness is what makes as euphoric. The sadder we are, the higher our euphoria. 

Im sorry, I know it doesnt make a lot of sense. I apologize on behalf of my brain. He is a very ill-mannered guy. Don’t bother with his nonsense.

New Year¡

I celebrated new year in a very weird mindset. I looked at it as an exaggerated event because it is actually pretty exaggerated. Yeah, I guess I just dont get why we have to celebrate the 360 rotation of the earth around the sun. The weird thing is, this year is the only year I looked at new year in that light. Maybe because Im sad and I wanted to simplify things to make it more, you know, depressing? Which is very confusing to me since why would I interpret a good event as a depressing one just to make myself feel worse? Shouldn’t I be trying to make myself happy?

Then I figured, I must be doing it subconsciously. My mind is reading everything in my surrounding and relates it to my depression, in order for it to makes sense. Because come to think of it, I dont have any reason to be depressed. I just am. It kinda sucks knowing you are withering away, and you have no idea why. 

Then the fireworks came. Its pretty, I admit. I appreciated the fact that people spend money just to put on a light show and show off their festive spirits. But the way the lights registered in my mind seems colorless. My eyes are seeing all the colors, but my mind is rejecting it. Underwhelmingly sad, but frankly I didn’t care. It was just nightly explosions of hue, and I didnt really like fireworks.

So after about 30 minutes, I went to bed. There were still random firecrackers present outside, but other than that, it felt like a normal day. The ceiling was still resonating awkwardly on my face and I was staring at it like an idiot. I was waiting for a UFO to smash open the roof and suck me right into their spaceship and dissect me or whatever. But unfortunately, no one came. Maybe I’ll just dream about happiness. So I pepped talk myself to sleep. I was cheering my mind to get the day over with and shut down. I closed my eyes. And Darkness. Darkness. Darkness. I like darkness.