Its weird, really. I have this unstoppable desire to pursue life and be happy but there is some invisible force that keeps dragging me down here. I am trying so hard to climb up and get better with my life but its easier said than done. It is this unending stairs that gives me an illusion of ascending but in reality, its like I’m wandering around a Penrose stair: circling around this black hole of unending anxiety and despair but never getting anywhere. It is this irony of life that is so odd that it all boils down to the waiting game, the act of surrendering to social norms and paranoia that you yourself becomes the thing you despise the most: a phoney. You create an illusion of happiness based on people’s standards and wants and you believe it so much that you become blinded by the truth. The truth that you are not being forced into a prison but rather, you are incarcenating yourself into a bottomless loophole of unending greed. Prison of the mind. And what is worse than being a prisoner of your own disillusionment? Infecting others with it. A group of imprisoned minds yelling to be let out but they have in fact the key to the cell. It is self-deception actually with no real motive or reason behind it. We feel oppressed but we ourselves are the oppressors and we take advantage of that self-pity. We agonized with our fake pains to give ourselves reasons to be angry, to be mad. A rage that is directed to nobody but ourselves. So we self-destruct. We try to correct the morals we intendedly destroyed and get depressed when we fail. Isn’t this an example of a mental suicide? The purging of the mind.
It’s weird, really.
Wait. Why did you open this post? Are you curious about what Im about to say? Sure you do, with that kind of title, its hard to resist not clicking it. Everyone living in this world aims only one thing and one thing only. Happiness. The peak of our existence is where we achieve contentment and happiness in everything around us. Unfortunately, not everyone is given the opportunity to be happy before they die. Depression, anxiety, problems, and whatnot, its hard to keep a positive attitude with a lot of negativity going on. But the truth is we strive so hard to be happy, we over complicate things. We look for things we dont have and we work so hard to get them thinking that it will make us feel fulfilled and satisfied. Dont get me wrong. Sure its nice to have goals and dream but honestly, why wait for these things before you feel cheerful? Does it mean that you should be depressed and suicidal while trying to obtain these goals? Because come to think of it, happiness is just a state of mind. And emotion is just our reaction to a given situation. Meaning, happiness depends on us 100 percent. We don’t need things to feel happy, we just need proper attitude.
I know, I know, it sounds cliche, but that is the truth. If a friend says bad things about you, its only appropriate to get mad. We react to the scenario. But our reaction could be positive like I don’t care, I don’t like him/her as a friend anyway. It’s his/her lost. See? Its the silver linings of things that we should appreciate. We must always tend to go towards positivity.
Who am I kidding. It is easier said than done, I admit. But in my state of mind right now, all I can do is try to motivate myself in order to calm the wave of depression that is hitting me. Im writing this post specifically for me. I am convincing myself and this is an act of desperation for my part. Im wallowing in my own shit here. I am running out of options.
Happiness. Is it the absence of sadness? Or is it more of the satisfaction of overcoming it? Believe me, I am stuck at the bottom for too long. Is it too much to ask for someone to help me. Its pretty dark down here you know.